~ You are not passing as a straight giraffe.
~ Kimmy: a hard worker; proficient in WordPerfect and Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing; and can hold her breath for a really long time.
~ Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne: Senior Prophet and CFO of Savior Rick's Spooky Church of the Scary Apocalypse.
~ Your colour scheme clashes with the Givenchy romper.
~ A person can stand just about anything for ten seconds. Then, you just start on a new ten seconds.
🎵 Take it ten seconds at a time 🎵
~ Babysitters Club Mystery #12: Dawn and the Surfer Ghost.
~ Black Hands, White Sails.
~ Great idea: a scrunchy that's also a wallet.
~ Time to make like a dwarf at a jukebox and pay up.
~ Unlicensed costumes: Aloha Cat (Hello Kitty), Treat Creature (Cookie Monster), Metal Hero Friend (Iron Man).
~ One of us has to put food on my Barbie-themed TV trays.
~ Why does it matter where I'm from? It's where I am going that counts.
~ Someone's anus is purely decorative.
~ I know a Kraut posing as a French prostitute when I see one.
~ You're just Febreezing your problems.
~ Hashbrown, no filter.
~ Why Titus thinks that Brandon is small town gay:
- He has a tan line where he usually wears a leather cuff
- He's from Indiana but he weighs less than 200 pounds
- There's a stain on his jeans that could only be from revarnishing an Edwardian escritoire
~ Escritoire is gay for desk.
~ The traditional meat and flowers of Indiana courtship.
~ Two things gay men love: smoke and mirrors.
~ Hitting a floating tambourine while my other hand gets a manicure.
~ Troll the re-spawn, Jeremy.
~ Look at the marbling on that corned beef.
~ Now be a dear and get me a glass of champagne. I need to look casual.
~ The Dominique Strauss-Khan suite at the Sofitel.
~ Gifts Julian sent to Jacqueline in an attempt to get her back:
- Diamond necklace
- Bouquet of dogs
~ Snowbesity: it's when you don't know if someone's fat or not cos they're wearing a winter coat.
~ Paintball: the straightest of all weekend activities.
~ Ronald Ephen Wilkerson from Chickasaw County, Mississippi aka Titus Andromedon.
~ Jackie Lynn White aka Jacqueline Voorhees.
~ Can't the world be my noodles and butter?
~ Kimberley Tiara von Lobster.
~ Titus' cologne: Dutch Oven.
~ The only BS around here is butternut squash.
~ What Kimmy loves about Christmas:
- The music
- Untangling things
- Putting lights outdoors and and trees indoors
- We are all together with so much to celebrate
- Special friendships and new adventures and giving a final "later, gator" to the problems of yester[day]
~ Things/people Titus has bailed on:
- A Sam Goody credit card
- His a college football scholarship
- His stupid cousin Darius who got handsomer than him
- Paying the lawyer
~ Titus finds life is mostly grey area especially parts he can't reach with moisturiser.
~ Three things Titus Andromedon does not do:
~ Ham & Clam Pizza.
~ Amtrak is for lovers.
~ Lose the jerk but keep the perks.
~ We buried a robot together!
~ Shants: shorts that are as long as pants.
~ Imagine a world where everyone shared Titus' sense of fabulousness: there would be no more war, no more famine, no more stupid polo shirts where the horse is like the whole shirt!
~ Now they've filled in the sinkhole, where am I supposed to number two when I have a gentleman caller?
~ Look at the view. If I can see New Jersey then it can see me.
~ I have a 150 IQ but I spent all morning picking out dog stationery.
~ Would a dozenaire have a chauffered Bentley?
~ I just wish we could have met the chic sophisticate that was rummaging through a dumpster on a hot weekday afternoon.
~ She's a model for LL Bean's performance fleeces.
~ Tuxedos and invisible chairs.
~ Lillian Kaushtupper: landlord, Aquarius, cat collector.
~ Titus claims to have the following past selves:
- Cyrus: the first openly gay slave
- Alphonse: who almost invented the raisin
- Napoleon: a very sick bird
- Murasaki: Japanese geisha
~ Mikey Politano: construction worker, Mets fan, bad at lists.
~ Midnight Eastern Gay Time, which is 3am.
~ Which incarnation of Madonna do you most identify with? There are wrong answers.
~ My Interesting Lady Friend (MILF)
~ 🎵 Bunny and kitty being best friends
Together forever, the fun never ends
Solving mysteries one hug at a time
Bunny and kitty two of a kind 🎵
~ I'm the one who has to Queer Eye that bridge and tunnel tadpole.
~ I'm a flamingo because I'm delicate, colourful and I often stand on one leg due to a plantar wart.
~ We should all be meercats and warthogs.
~ Feezed: a food sneeze.
~ Fake name used by Titus when dating/breaking hearts: Flidian Garoo.
~ Fake name used by Titus on the rental agreement: Trevor Millionaire.
~ Fake middle name used by Titus: Apollonia.
~ Leckfast: breakfast and lunch combined.
~ Alabama! The black version of Oklahoma!
~ Quest Diagnostic Barbie chalet.
~ Without blue, my whole weekly rotation is off. I can't wear a green scrunchie on Thursday. Everyone will think I'm horny.
~ Anyhoo, said the anyowl.
~ Numbers: the most boring of all the shapes.
~ Unfortunate Jewish names:
- Ivana Eda Wiener
- Maya Wiener-Hertz-Allott-Cozzabudts
~ The morning rush is when people are most desparate for rides:
- Hungover prep school kids
- Fishmongers who overslept
- Girls leaving John Mayer's houseboat
~ Dyziplen: treats ADHD, hyperactivity, and Kanye West spectrum disorder.
~ Gone, gone, gone. Like cut up doughnuts after church.
~ I love how your hair matches your gums.
~ I have two phones now. I can call my other ear!
~ I will have a large cocoa and some chicken nuggets. With ketchup. Leave the bottle.
~ Oh, I'm not a waitress but I get that all the time. I just like calling people 'hon' and drawing smiley faces on pieces of paper I give to them.
~ Did you know that poor people don't even have to do gala season?
~ What Titus always say:
- Don't touch my dolls they're strictly look upons
- Only Aladdin can pull off harem pants
- John Cusack got fat but I still would
~ Words/phrases that Mikey considers as gay:
- Theatre
- Salad
- Hey, let's all take a bath
~ Kimmy's jam: grape, jock and space.
~ When I was singing before, it didn't even occur to me that I was happy. I thought it was just gas coming out in a weird way.
~ Teeth are the boobs of the mouth.
~ Gala dress: cap sleeve, trumpet hem gown with a foil print pattern.
~ When Samuel L. Jackson asks what's in my wallet, the answer is ketchup packets.
~ Pink cocaine and poop.
~ Smells like a pine tree gave birth to an onion.
~ All burps smell bad. They're the farts of the face.
~ Is Cate Blanchett a good actor or is she just tall?
~ Sorry, I was just walking dramatically around the cemetery.
~ Items Titus needs to give his coming-out speech:
- A microphone
- A face towel and
- Some live butterflies
~ Just as good as R Kelly if you don't listen that hard: Art Smelly's I'm Convinced I Can Swim (from the soundtrack to the movie Earth Jelly).
~ J'shnerp: non gendered breakfast pastry (an alternative take on pop tarts).
~ Does your raccoon have OCD?
~ Why Titus hasn't had time to go to auditions: he has been busy getting his 14 hours every night snd going to the Jim...Gaffigan show craft service table.
~ Why Titus thinks he should have been a doctor:
- He looks amazing in white
- His handwriting is terrible
- He loves telling people to take their pants off and then just leaving and making them sit there for an hour
~ 'Conference' is therapist code for rehab. It's not just rehab, it's a process:
- First, there's the bender
- Then rehab
- Getting kicked out of rehab for using sex and threats of violence to obtain cooking wine
- Then more drinking
- Back into a different rehab
- And finally, a two week surf camp with a bunch of recent divorcees
~ Titus' fake answering service: Andromedon Productions. You can't spell our name without 'drama' if you spell it wrong. How may we direct your call?
~ Titus and Mikey's phone greeting: Future Andromitano Residence. This is Mikus (you'll be Tikey).
~ Make like the ends of a doggy's legs and pause.
~ Lilian reads Kimmy's 'boring' mail:
- Cyndee met a rabbit
- Donna Maria's mole sauce is in goop
- Leah Remini joined Gretchen's church
~ Mom's Super Fun Christmas Coupon Book:
- Foot rub
- Pancakes for dinner
- Try one cigarette
- See Patch Adams
- Cartwheel race
~ Why Titus cares about space:
- Weightlessness
- Non-melting ice-cream
- Buff scientists
~ How Titus thinks he's like an astronaut:
- He is out of this world
- He once had to poop in a vacuum
~ Space Judas; Astronaut Captain Mooney:
~ Career that Kimmy considered when she was child: horse brusher.
~ How am I gonna get my pockets fat with that kind of cheddar, fam?
~ Kimmy's fake name: Dr Vanessa Poseidon.
~ Prefers working outside, salary flexible, good with children and bees. Job code 69: crossing guard.
~ Kimmy's creative thinking: edible paper; a hat with pockets; a penguin with teeth!
~ Boom, boy, bye, foop.
~ The gym: the gayest place to meet someone.
~ The store microwave is for breakfast sandwiches only. Please remove your wet laundry and wigs, sir.
~ Don't you know taking a picture of a gay man unannounced is a hate crime?
~ Being kind, wise and mature was very hard on me. Now I know why Yoda looked like a piece of dried green poop.
~ Try not to get too much Doritos powder on it.
~ What Kimmy thinks 'kudos' means: she is going to bring me a chocolate covered granola bar.
~ What Titus thinks 'kudos' means: the fancy kind of kudos that looks like a skirt.
~ Lort Jeebus.
~ Where Titus thinks white folks go to finish stuff: farmers market, dog park, a live recording of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.
~ These heels are not meant to be worn standing up.
~ Get your thumbs off it, I don't know how you bowl.
~ Extra-curricular activities that Kimmy ticks on her application form for Columbia University: French Club, debate, drama club, model U.N., badminton, dance team, really good frisbee, community service.
~ Wendy knows what she's getting with Richard whilst he's serving his prison sentence:
- He won't cheat on her with her neighbour cause he can't
- He can't scream at her when the Steelers lose
- He can't flip her cereal bowl in her face and call her a dummy
~ You need a bunker flashback. Those always work, plus it gives me a chance to just hang out and eat some cheese.
~ Titus attempts trigger words on Kimmy: galoshes, Brigadoon, candelabra, cumberbatch, kokomo, flippy floppy, donga, razmatazz.
~ I'll have a water, two sugars.
~ What Titus thinks babies do to you: steel your youth and make you boring.
~ Like a middle-aged lady sitting on a dryer at a singing laundromat.
~ Gordy's got some opinions:
- Israel is behind it all. Every Jew got an email that mornin'
- Milk has an expiration date. We should do that with the elderly
- Benghazi! Hillary was there!
- Flouride! Makes children gay.
- The Supreme Court wears robes to hide their octopus bodies
- The CIA invented AIDS to sell quilts
- Barack Jewsain Obama. He's a Muslim Jew!
~ Aren't we all privileged in one way or another: Xan is rich (so rich she once used a helicopter to dry out some pants she peed in). You guys are tall. I'm the only girl that goes to my barber.
~ Lillian and Artie reckons some of our biggest hits are just disgusting:
- Young Girl is a love song to jailbait
- Baby It's Cold Outside is a Christmas song advocating false imprisonment
- The Pina Colada song is about a couple having an affair
~ Xan writes a review of Kimmy's Task Rabbit service: Kimmy looks like a traffic cone on a snowman, but there's less of a reason for her to exist. She was hired to put together a rowing machine. Instead she took apart my will to live 💩
~ California: the Cowabunga lifestyle.
~ The Tooth Fairy won't come to this neighbourhood ever since I cheated on him.
~ If I'm gonna be white, don't make me be Irish.
~ Titus eats his first orange: Ew, the inside's all wet.
~ Thumbs are for hitchhiking and for being Fonzie.
~ That woman is like Dominos Pizza: hot but terrible.
~ Titus' straight name: Cork Rockingham.
~ Jacqueline's type: rich, mean and knows a lot about watches.
~ What the foop is this soup?
~ You better make like me eating beans drunk and spill the beans.
~ Foop! It's time to go, girl.
~ Get small, muchachos.
~ Uptown Gayby / Dumpster Sassy.
~ Kimmy lets Titus get away with a lot:
- She doesn't say anything when he pretends to be pregnant to get a seat on the bus
- She lets him propose to her in the park so people will clap at him
- She takes him shopping with her at Fashion Town so he can hit on bored husbands
~ The Ocean Skank sank. Seven swimming shellfish said the Ocean Skank sank.
~ Eskimo kisses are a hard no.
~ If I wanted to see old people get worked up I'd go to a Lincoln dealership.
~ Fun-ker Rules:
- PG
- Share
- No bad guys
- No fighting
- Have fun
~ What Lilian thinks PG means: no tobacco use and she can go topless as long as it's violent.
~ Just macaroni and cheese. The classic shape and colour challenge. Ravensburger, you've outdone yourself.
~ What's that noise? Is Chuck Schumer eating soup in here?
~ I chose to hear 'artistic'.
~ Titus begs Kimmy to come home:
- You make me a better person. I'm a moral fetus. I absorb your niceness from your umbilical. Don't abort me!
- I'll wear jeans
- I'll let you open the tapes
- I'll go to the zoo with you in the winter when the polar bears aren't sad
- High five!
~ Emojis that say "Sorry I threw a trashcan at you": 😉🇨🇵🎃
~ Ladies like that are trouble. They collect gossip like Tituses collect expired deli meats.
~ Miss Clara questions Titus:
Q: New to town?
A: Not as such.
Q: Just coming to church now?
A: This church.
Q: Where are your people from?
A: Didn't all life start in Africa?
Q: Sweet tea or lemonade?
A: Sweet tea.
Q: Popeye's or Church's?
A: Please. Waffle House.
Q: You got a girlfriend?
A: No one as good as my mama.
Q: Diabetes?
A: Not yet.
Q: What do you do for a living?
A: Renaissance man.
Q: How many fingers am I holding up?
A: Three. Miss Clara.
~ Real religion is about knowing you're not perfect but trying to be better, together.
~ Gum is the lie your mouth tells your stomach.
~ Why Titus never uses his own bathroom for pooping: Our bathroom is strictly for grooming, shame eating and pep talks before trying to put on jeans.
~ We get in, we get out. Just like Titus on prom night.
~ Items Kimmy asks for at the gas station: carton of red Pixy Stix; Bangladeshi cigarettes with no health warning; condoms; extra wide tampons; box of Pubic Chigger Bombs.
~ Can I interest you in an all-beak hotdog?
~ Brands of condoms available at the gas station: expired Trojans, Safeway Select, Lil Stinkers, El Bandito Picante, Monologue (for the careful masturbator), Garbage D by Hefty, and Gonzo's Nose (for the curved gentleman).
~ New team names to replace the Washington Redskins:
- Jacksonville Hillaries
- Kansas City Islams
- Houston WBNAs
- Dallas Piano Lessons
- Tennessee Bath Lovers
- Washington Gun-Takers
~ Titus pretending to Mikey he is living his best life:
- Having romantic weekends every day of the week
- Eating cheese for dessert on purpose
- Shopping local, thinking global
- Seeing someone called Reuben and he's as hot as the sandwich he's named after
~ Kimmy tells Mikey that Titus is doing great:
- His scurvy is gone
- He didn't eat Dionne Warwick
- Our neighbour got HBO and we can hear it through the wall
~ What public toilets look like after Titus has used it, according to Paulie Fucillo: it's like someone flipped over a Roy Rogers fixings bar in here.
~ A girl getting a gentleman's C? Pick up the cat and put on flip flops cause the glass ceiling just got shattered.
~ The Bodyguard is the film that inspired Titus' unstarted original screenplay - The Bodyguard 2: Guard Her Harder.
~ Which of these scrunchies say: I do word searches in pen.
~ Girl, put those pocket buttholes away.
~ What does one even wear to a fifth-gay-baby-meeting date? Emily Post is silent on the subject.
~ I track your phone, girl, so I know if you're going to the toy store without me.
~ He named his baby Linda. That's not a baby name. That's a name for an adult woman who works in human resources and says stuff like 'Mondays'...
~ Google is just go ogle without the space.
~ Some things are pretty black and white: newspapers, penguins before it goes in a blender, rainbows if you're a dog; and snooping on people's secrets!
~ Like the leopard print unitard I bought on the sidewalk, I wanted this to work.
~ Reasons Titus gave Reuben why their relationship is not working: Reuben hasn't seen The Bodyguard; Titus doesn't want to eat eels - what if he gets electrocuted? Reuben is weird for naming a baby Linda.
~ Reuben says Titus ain't perfect either: Mr 'I Fell Asleep on the Floor of The Frick' (but when Tilda Swinton does it, it's art); plus he is afraid of a vacuum cleaner; he gave up halfway through a revolving door; Titus ate a bouquet Reuben brought for him thinking it was an edible arrangement (he doesn't have a lot of fruit experience). Titus lives with a woman named Kimmy (but he did not name her that).
~ I loves my vending machine cup of clams.
~ Divas in denim cutoffs; Bernadettes in Bermudas.
~ A Cronut: a doughnut Titus stole from a crow.
~ Titus knows that he and Kimmy met in a past life: Titus was Genghis Khan and Kimmy was a horse he once ate.
~ Nice accent, Goopy. What part of Canada are you meant to be from?
~ Simon Thompson; key hairstylist? Well that explains it. He cut her hair with a key!
~ CTV women on campus:
- She-lumbia
- Her-spectives
- Gals on the Town
~ Hello Kitty seems innocent, but... she is.
~ What do I need to learn Mandarin for? I don't want to go to Mandar.
~ Most test answers are Tallahassee.
~ Jacqueline White's resume:
- NetJets Air Mistress, 2000 to 2005
- 30-14-year old former trophy wife with no skills
~ Don't insult my ingellitence. Her phone is a contuter.
~ Boobs in California is 49th on Spotify's Adult Bro-temporary charts.
~ How Jacqueline knows that Gordi has come into some cash based on his recent purchases/activities:
- SodaStream
- A Sex Yuko still in its box
- Michael Jackson's Artist of the Millennium award
- Waist training
~ Kimmy knows Zach is not athletic cos she's seen him try to put his backpack on.
~ Zach has only ever failed three tests: scoliosis, Turing, lice.
~ Look at dogs. They help the blind and people who pretend to be nervous on planes. They never went to Ruff-gers University or Boston Collie or UC Bark-ley or Maremma-Duke or Corgi Mellon or the Mutt-sachusetts Insti-cute of Technolo-dog.
~ Jacqueline reckons men always want what they can't have: Cuban cigars, a watchable Superman movie.
~ Examples of when quitting is the answer according to Titus:
- Heroin
- Cigarettes
- Jigsaw puzzles (you already got the picture on the box, bitch)
~ The Capist by Titus Andromedon. Wolf Dick Productions: It stars Titus as the super strong crime fighter who owns a cape store. Also, there's a handsome white guy in it, for believability.
~ A Vidalia onion is not an apple.
~ Jobs that dogs can do: Barketing Manager, Shar-Pei-roll, C-arf-O, Accounts Retrievable.
~ Make it a mom-mosa cos I'm drinking for two.
~ If it weren't for me, the bodega wouldn't have to hire a guy to stand by the salad bar with an electric fly swatter. We're job creators.
~ It wasn't butter, it was cheese.
~ He's got the angelic voice of a castrated Italian boy.
~ Titus tells Kimmy to stop, drop, and roll: stop talking, drop the subject, and go get me a cinnamon roll.
~ Documentaries are like the books of movies.
~ Wish me lick. You heard me.
~ I love eye contact. It's the handshake of the face.
~ Wearing a cape announces you with a flourish and leaves you wanting more.
~ In a world of in-no-vation, she has been about in-yes-vasion.
~ Things in Kimmy's bottom five: girls trapped in cages, paper cuts, green skittles and phonies.
~ This agenting stuff isn't all lunches, lying and pointing at LL Cool J on Instagram.
~ Kimmy's purple backpack: Jan S. Port.
~ Stress-induced amenorrhea. It's fairly common amongst gymnasts, bunker victims, millennial college students and people on roller skates carrying hot soup.
~ It didn't backfire, it front-watered.
~ It looks like someone likes their men the way I like my coffee: burnt, watery and in a car wash.
~ The three biz-stractions that every team leader needs to avoid according to Donna-Maria: the Believer, the Simpleton and the Red Hair.
~ Opposite of a car wash beefcake: boat dirt bird salad.
~ How Titus wants his career to end: falling off the top row onHollywood Squares.
~ Reverse beard: When a gay person is hired to 'date' a straight celebrity in order to appear gay to their fanbase.
~ Olympics: Hey let's go to Brazil and run in a circle.
~ Why Titus thinks he can be a great cat:
- He naps most of the day
- He looks cute in a cardboard box
- He hates taking baths
- Most of his enemies are birds
- His tongue is scratchy
- Japanese people are obsessed with him
- He is always on a couch or hiding in the deli
~ Oral health is linked to mental health, socioeconomic status and brand allegiance.
~ Cats the musical is a carbucketty, jellicle, gumbie play; a rumpus play for pekes and pollicles written by Andrew Lollo Baloney.
~ C.H.E.R.Y./L: Cybernetic Human Empathy Response Yuko/Lamp.
~ Union mandated spaghetti break.
~ Iago and Jafar: the original gay Disney duo.
~ A normal dinner date: Tad cooking scrod in his underwear whilst Titus paints him from memory.
~ We must have known each other in a past life. Perhaps I was a dinosaur and he was a sexually adventurous caveman.
~ Tad is building a bed made from wood such as Shedloe and Balsett.
~ Are you talking menopause or werewolves? Cos one of them is a legend made up to scare children and the other one is werewolves.
~ Year round Halloween store: one could celebrate the Fourth of Boo-ly; Martin Boo-ther King Day; Chri-i-istmas!
~ The mnemonic Titus uses to help spell his last name: Apples Need Ducks Rarely Oranges Make Every Duck Oranges Need
~ Titus' credits: Bunfights dvd; YouTube compilation of escalator fails; Doorman Number Six on an as yet unaired episode of Daredevil.
~ I took Buckley to Cats back when I was trying to make him gay.
~ Other than a Broadway debut in the Lion King, Titus' number one dream is where he gets chased by Cap'n Crunch and he wrestles him to the ground and the only way Titus can escape is to eat him and that's why he always wakes up thirsty for milk.
~ Ghost spazzing: mixing Ambien and Cocaine.
~ The oldest profession according to Kimmy: Dinosaur Lawyer.
===
 |
| Cyndee Pokorny's map of the world |
===
Four years later...
~ Lilian is the new voice of the New York City subway.
~ Titus' feature film debut - Sliding Doors 2: Tokyo Doors.
~ Titus and Mikey's beautiful ethnic children: Keitha Hernandez and Cape Politano-Andromedon.
~ Kimmy opens Greemulax World at Universal Studios, Florida. Featuring the Grabagorn Horn ride. Queen Liliana the Wobbly is based on Kimmy's mother, Lori-Ann Schmidt.
~ Dammit!
===
Kimmy vs the Reverend
~ Kimmy's wedding dresses: the fancy option is like what Mrs Peanut would get married in, and the fun option is like a pool float that's shaped like a pizza.
~ Allegedly, Mark Wahlberg's workout regimen:
- 2:30am: Wake up
- 2:45am: Prayer time
- 3:30am: Workout number one
- 5:30am: Post workout meal
- 07:00am: Golf
~ Bindi Irwin: she brought an extra frog and didn't tell the producers!
~ Jacques Pepin on Scrod.
~ Trying to make me exercise. I'm an actor. I can act like I got strong.
~ A book! A thing you learn horse breeds from.
~ How to eat a banana like a gentleman: sideways like corn.
~ Wedding Theme: Cool Grown-Ups.
~ Books are like movies for your head.
~ Mystery of the Mysterious Spy written by Anne Scardino. Pick your own journey book.
~Louis Gossett Jr Junior High School, West Virginia.
~ Jumpy Bumpy, out of the way,
grab the cow and steal its hay.
If the farmer comes about,
Jumpy Bumpy, wiggle and shout.
~ He used to cheat at Clue!
~ Cardio? The erotic magician I dated in the early 2000s?
~ You carnival tent glory hole Ronald McDonald!
~ You melted Madame Tussards Conan O'Brien!
~ You drowned cruise ship birthday clown!
~ Make like a hotdog and ketch-up!
~ Oh, it's because of the water that makes the bagels so good!
~ Kimmy and Frederick are registered at Tiffany, Build-a-Bear and Sky Zone Trampoline Park.
~ Can we put all the penguins on one table or is that racist?
~ What Titus expects in an airport: Chili's To Go and the Asian restaurant with an all-black staff.
~ Titus was a car in Transformers 7. GLAAD and the NAACP issued a rare joint statement calling my performance, quote, "upsetting".
~ The reason we have feet according to Titus: diabetes containers.
~ Titus has shoes custom made by Kanye for hiding upstairs whilst they taped The Kardashians.
~ Genius janitors solving math problems.
~ Judas! Because you're a traitor, not because I'm jealous you get to kiss Jesus.
~ They're not gonna cotton to some big-city sophisticate and his pasty sidekick.
~ Titus knows the words to Free Bird: He's from Mississippi. All four years of high school English was the poetry of Lynyrd Skynyrd.
~ About a hundred miles west where the crow walks. I'm telling you there's something wrong with the crows around here.
~ Squirrel: it's the scrod of the mountains.
~ He's definitely headed to the bunker if he's got tampons and beans.
~ Some caviar and those little purple potatoes with cream.
~ I want a wife and a family and a salad spinner.
~ She taught me to talk. All the words: sandwich, eleven, strangle...
~ Titus Andromedon is not supposed to die on a mountain like a bored white person. He's supposed to be choked to death at the Met Gala!
~ He can't read cursive.
~ He tried to buy gasoline with handjobs.
~ But I found Gatorade.
~ Hanging out with a baby? That's family time. That's on the damn Marky Mark schedule.
~ These might as well be a clown in a sewer cos they are IT!
~ Girl, I'm only in the book club to drink wine.
~ I lost my son, Buckley, to online gaming. He's getting the surgery to become a Minecraft sheep.
~ The director's cocaine is wearing off.
~ Darren Belitsky.
~ Cycling, running, nothing to eat but dirt and mushrooms (Beyonce's alleged workout and diet).
~ Do you, Kimberley Cougar Schmidt and you, Frederick Henry Eurythmics Windsor, feel like hanging out for the rest of your life?
~ Do you, Kimberley Cougar Schmidt and you, Frederick Philip Bono Windsor, agree to be equally partnered? Including stuff like taking down the Christmas tree and changing smoke alarm batteries and take care of each other on days when one of you feels anxious and you don't know why.
Fudge yeah!
Do I? I do!
Then by the power vested in me by xxx, I now pronounce you an equal team of two humans. People you may kiss your person.
~ Name of Kimmy and Frederick's child: Baby of the Land Bird.
~ An interactive Kimmy Special:
- Fun dress
- Lie and take a nap
- Let Titus sleep
- Read the book
- Call Cyndee
- Take Titus
- Skip intro (for more theme song)
- Get down to beeswax
- Cyndee sings
- Walk to town
- The wardrobe
- He knows it (Free Bird)
- Sneaky plan
- Go with Lillian
- Mind games
- Babysit
- Ask about her year
- Follow Kimmy
- Spare him
Breakfast Club! You win!
