Indiana Mole Women

~ Kimmy: a hard worker; proficient in WordPerfect and Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing; and can hold her breath for a really long time.

~ Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne: Senior Prophet and CFO of Savior Rick's Spooky Church of the Scary Apocalypse.

~ A person can stand just about anything for ten seconds. Then, you just start on a new ten seconds.

🎵 Take it ten seconds at a time 🎵

~ Babysitters Club Mystery #12: Dawn and the Surfer Ghost.

~ Black Hands, White Sails.

~ Great idea: a scrunchy that's also a wallet.

~ Why Titus thinks that Brandon is small town gay:

• He has a tan line where he usually wears a leather cuff
• He's from Indiana but he weighs less than 200 pounds
• There's a stain on his jeans that could only be from revarnishing an Edwardian escritoire

~ Escritoire is gay for desk.

~ Hitting a floating tambourine while my other hand gets a manicure.

~ Troll the re-spawn, Jeremy.

~ Look at the marbling on that corned beef.

~ Snowbesity: it's when you don't know if someone's fat or not cos they're wearing a winter coat.

~ Paintball: the straightest of all weekend activities.

~ Ronald Wilkerson aka Titus Andromedon

~ Jackie Lynn White aka Jacqueline Voorhees.

~ Can't the world be my noodles and butter?

~ The only BS around here is butternut squash.

~ What Kimmy loves about Christmas:

• The music
• Untangling things
• Putting lights outdoors and and trees indoors
• We are all together with so much to celebrate
• Special friendships and new adventures and giving a final "later, gator" to the problems of yester[day]

~ Three things Titus Andromedon does not do:

• Apologies
• Drag
• Calculus

~ Ham & Clam Pizza.

~ Amtrak is for lovers.

~ Lose the jerk but keep the perks.

~ Tuxedos and invisible chairs.

~ Lillian Kaushtupper: landlord, Aquarius, cat collector.

~ Titus claims to have the following past selves:

• Cyrus: the first openly gay slave
• Alphonse: who almost invented the raisin
• Napoleon: a very sick bird
• Murasaki: Japanese geisha

~ Mikey Politano: construction worker, Mets fan, bad at lists.

~ Midnight Eastern Gay Time, which is 3am.

~ Which incarnation of Madonna do you most identify with? There are wrong answers.

~ My Interesting Lady Friend (MILF)

~ 🎵 Bunny and kitty being best friends

Together forever, the fun never ends

Solving mysteries one hug at a time

Bunny and kitty two of a kind 🎵

~ I'm a flamingo because I'm delicate, colourful and I often stand on one leg due to a plantar wart.

~ We should all be meercats and warthogs.

~ Feezed: a food sneeze.

~ Fake name used by Titus when dating/breaking hearts: Flidian Garoo.

~ Fake name used by Titus on the rental agreement: Trevor Millionaire.

~ Fake middle name used by Titus: Apollonia.

~ Leckfast: breakfast and lunch combined.

~ Alabama! The black version of Oklahoma!

~ Quest Diagnostic Barbie chalet.

~ Without blue, my whole weekly rotation is off. I can't wear a green scrunchie on Thursday. Everyone will think I'm horny.

~ Anyhoo, said the anyowl.

~ Numbers: the most boring of all the shapes.

~ The morning rush is when people are most desparate for rides:

• Hungover prep school kids
• Fishmongers who overslept
• Girls leaving John Mayer's houseboat

~ Dyziplen: treats ADHD, hyperactivity, and Kanye West spectrum disorder. 

~ Kimmy's jam: grape, jock and space.

~ When I was singing before, it didn't even occur to me that I was happy. I thought it was just gas coming out in a weird way.

~ Teeth are the boobs of the mouth.

~ Gala dress: cap sleeve, trumpet hem gown with a foil print pattern.

~ All burps smell bad. They're the farts of the face.

~ Why Titus thinks he should have been a doctor:

• He looks amazing in white
• His handwriting is terrible 
• He loves telling people to take their pants off and then just leaving and making them sit there for an hour

~ How Titus thinks he's like an astronaut:

• He is out of this world
• He once had to poop in a vacuum

~ Is Cate Blanchett a good actor or is she just tall?

~ J'shnerp: non gendered breakfast pastry (an alternative take on pop tarts).

~ Does your raccoon have OCD?

~ Kimmy's fake name: Dr Vanessa Poseidon.

~ Kimmy's creative thinking: edible paper; a hat with pockets; a penguin with teeth!

~ Careers that Kimmy considers: horse brusher, crossing guard.

~ Boom, boy, bye, foop.

~ The gym: the gayest place to meet someone.

~ The store microwave is for breakfast sandwiches only. Please remove your wet laundry and wigs, sir.

~ Where Titus thinks white folks go to finish stuff: farmers market, dog park, a live recording of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

~ Extra-curricular activities that Kimmy ticks on her application form for Columbia University: French Club, debate, drama club, model U.N., badminton, dance team, really good frisbee, community service.

~ Get your thumbs off it, I don't know how you bowl. 

~ I'll have a water, two sugars.

~ Thumbs are for hitchhiking and for being Fonzie.

~ What the foop is this soup?

~ Uptown Gayby / Dumpster Sassy.

~ Fun-ker Rules:

1. PG
2. Share
3. No bad guys
4. No fighting
5. Have fun

~ Emojis that say "Sorry I threw a trashcan at you": 😉🇨🇵🎃

~ Real religion is about knowing you're not perfect but trying to be better, together.

~  Gum is the lie your mouth tells your stomach.

~ Why Titus never uses his own bathroom for pooping: Our bathroom is strictly for grooming, shame eating and pep talks before trying to put on jeans.

~ New team names to replace the Washington Redskins:

• Jacksonville Hillaries
• Kansas City Islams
• Houston WBNAs
• Dallas Piano Lessons
• Tennessee Bath Lovers
• Washington Gun-Takers

~  Diane Delamonte-Shapiro is a professor of her-story with a focus on the Viet-ma'am war. 

~ Please pass the government butter.

~  If you are allergic to any of the vegetables mentioned in Shakespeare, you will find nothing to your liking.

~ He named his baby Linda. That's not a baby name. That's a name for an adult woman who works in human resources and says stuff like 'Mondays'... 

~ I track your phone, girl, so I know if you're going to the toy store without me.

~ Google is just go ogle without the space.

~ Hello Kitty seems innocent, but... she is.

~ What do I need to learn Mandarin for? I don't want to go to Mandar.

~ Look at dogs. They help the blind and people who pretend to be nervous on planes. They never went to Ruff-gers University or Boston Collie or UC Bark-ley or Maremma-Duke or Corgi Mellon or the Mutt-sachusetts Insti-cute of Technolo-dog.

~ Jobs that dogs can do: Barketing Manager, Shar-Pei-roll, C-arf-O, Accounts Retrievable.

~ Examples of when quitting is the answer according to Titus:

• Heroin
• Cigarettes 
• Jigsaw puzzles (you already got the picture on the box, bitch)

~ C.H.E.R.Y./L: Cybernetic Human Empathy Response Yuko/Lamp.

~ The Capist by Titus Andromedon. Wolf Dick Productions: It stars Titus as the super strong crime fighter who owns a cape store. Also, there's a handsome white guy in it, for believability.

~ A Vidalia onion is not an apple.

~ It wasn't butter, it was cheese.

~ He's got the angelic voice of a castrated Italian boy.

~ Titus tells Kimmy to stop, drop, and roll: stop talking, drop the subject, and go get me a cinnamon roll.

~ Documentaries are like the books of movies.

~ Kimmy's purple backpack: Jan S. Port.

~ I love eye contact. It's the handshake of the face.

~ Wearing a cape announces you with a flourish and leaves you wanting more.

~ In a world of in-no-vation, she has been about in-yes-vasion.

~ Reverse beard: When a gay person is hired to 'date' a straight celebrity in order to appear gay to their fanbase. 

~ Why Titus thinks he can be a great cat: 

• He naps most of the day
• He looks cute in a cardboard box
• He hates taking baths
• Most of his enemies are birds
• His tongue is scratchy
• Japanese people are obsessed with him
• He is always on a couch or hiding in the deli

~ Oral health is linked to mental health, socioeconomic status and brand allegiance.

~ Cats the musical is a carbucketty, jellicle, gumbie play; a rumpus play for pekes and pollicles written by Andrew Lollo Baloney.

~ Union mandated spaghetti break.

~ Iago and Jafar: the original gay Disney duo.

~ The Legends of Greemulax written and illustrated by K.C. Schmidt:

• A young adult fantasy book with a positive message about how boys should treat girls. There will be dragons and monsters and the monsters live inside them and try to trick them! All on a planet called Greemulax.
• A real good message for boys. There's a little monster inside you, and most of the time, you're friends, but when it gets mad or hungry or thinks it deserves something that belongs to someone else, it tries to take over your body.

• Suitable for kids aged 7 and over.
• Featuring female knights called Rainbow Knights - a play on Rainbow Brite
• The inspirational message of female empowerment.

• The first step towards fixing the world is remembering the good inside you is stronger than the bad.
• A magic trolley - science we haven't discovered yet.
• An allegory for gender politics.

• Character names include: Exthipianne Porheep (based on Xanthippe Vorhees); Turdgun the Pudding Man (based on Titus); Queen Lorianne the Wobbly (based on Kimmy's mum).

• Do they ever escape Greemulax? Do the boys figure out how to control their monsters? Why does society keep feeding the monsters?
• It turns out that Greemulax is just a mirage created by the Grabagorns. Each boy is born with a key inside him to tame his own monster! That's their one weakness!

• Grabagorn Horn Theme Park.

~ The oldest profession according to Kimmy: Dinosaur Lawyer.

~ Titus and Mikey's beautiful ethnic children: Keitha Hernandez and Cape Politano-Andromedon.

~ Allegedly, Mark Wahlberg's workout regimen:

• 2:30am: Wake up
• 2:45am: Prayer time
• 3:30am: Workout number one
• 5:30am: Post workout meal
• 07:00am: Golf

~ Trying to make me exercise. I'm an actor. I can act like I got strong.

~ Books are like movies for the head.

~ Mystery of the Mysterious Spy written by Anne Scardino. Pick your own journey book.

~Louis Gossett Jr Junior High School.

~ Jumpy Bumpy, out of the way,
grab the cow and steal its hay.
If the farmer comes about,
Jumpy Bumpy, wiggle and shout.

~ Wedding Theme: Cool Grown-Ups.

~ Squirrel: it's the scrod of the mountains.

~ He can't read cursive.

~ These might as well be a clown in a sewer cos they are IT!

~ Cycling, running, nothing to eat but dirt and mushrooms (Beyonce's alleged workout and diet).

~ Do you, Kimberley Cougar Schmidt and you, Frederick Henry Eurythmics Windsor, feel like hanging out for the rest of your life? 

Fudge yeah! 

Then by the power vested in me by xxx, I now pronounce you an equal team of two humans. People you may kiss your person.

~ Name of Kimmy and Frederick's child: Baby of the Land Bird.

~ Kimmy versus the Reverend:

• Fun dress
• Lie and take a nap
• Let Titus sleep
• Read the book
• Call Cyndee
• Take Titus
• Skip intro (for more theme song)
• Get down to beeswax 
• Cyndee sings
• Walk to town
• The wardrobe
• He knows it (Free Bird)
• Sneaky plan
• Go with Lillian 
• Mind games
• Babysit 
• Ask about her year
• Follow Kimmy
• Spare him

Breakfast Club! You win!