The Fellside

The pizza is as pizza always is. Cheese on toast in a good suit. 

(When Rebecca asked her uncle Eddie "How's your pizza?")

She wasn't being gratuitously offensive. She really does just think you're a prick.

(Nicola talking to her boss Dr Graves)

Paul's gastro pub tasting menu:

Herbed baked fish

Lamb stew

Venison suasages

Vegetarian option

All locally sourced.

Just think about it until you decide I'm right.

(Maurice said to Eddie)

You're gonna have to ring the supplier about these leaves. I've seen more life in a Pharaoh's dick.

(Chef Gary said to Paul)

Have you any idea what temperature Eddie's keeping this Indian pale ale? One degree either way and it tastes like Tonto's head band.

(Maurice asks Paul)

I love the way you say 'modern' like other people say 'sewage'.

(Eddie talking to Maurice)

Paul's finger food preview:

Cod brandade with squid ink crackers and a pine nut and cucumber granitas

You got anything thats actually looked over a fence?

(Maurice turning his nose up at the finger food)

This tastes better than Blondie's bath water.

(Maurice referring to Eddie's pale ale)

The last thing we need is a posse of well-meaning mint cakers arse deep in snow.

Don't think that finding Joe makes you a good person. It just makes you a twat who did a good thing.

(Paul talking to Luke)

What baby Emily eats on a Wednesday:

Pasta with tomato sauce

Banana for afters

The song that Joe heard on the radio:

Getaway by Blossoms

Are you hoping to get by on lipgloss and charisma like me?

(Tom talking to Rebecca)

Artisan pork roulade = sausage roll.

(Maurice)

Underneath that gruff, tactless exterior is a gruff tactless interior trying to get out. And underneath that is a big soft bastard who wants to fix everyone and everything.

(Eddie referring to his dad Maurice)

I didn't come for elderflower juice.

(Rebecca said to her mum Alison)

Bar snack menu:

Nachos

Thai fishcakes

Veggie kebab

Beer battered calamari 

Any quieter and they'd be on the vegan menu.

(Paul referring to how quiet Josh and Ralph are during the stag do)

Mark and Joe' plan for when they visit Farm Park:

Goats 

Crisps 

Pigs

Donkeys 

Ice lolly

Donkeys

Drink

Chickens

Lentil crisps are like a puritan quaver.

(Paul talking about how moreish lentil crisps are)

===

Amusing quotes from the Netflix TV series: The A Word

A Dried Squid Isn't Ramen!

Edible tinned gifts

~ Tin of tuna 

~ Tin of corned beef

~ Tin of tomato soup

~ Tin of beef stew

~ Tin of cherries

~ Tin of sardines

Food featured

~ Shunraku ramen (Osaka)

~ Udon noodles with vegetables cooked over a fireplace (Kamigori)

~ Iwana trout (Kamigori)

~ Suiton soup (post war Osaka)

~ Seikoken ramen, dumplings, fried rice, grilled pork (Itzumi Otsu)

~ Chanpon rice (Yamane Diner in Shinagawa, Tokyo)

~ Kaminari Okoshi (Asakusa, Tokyo)

~ Curry and rice, corn soup (Kōkichi Noro's restaurant, Osaka)

~ Urashima Milk formula (gift from Katsuo Sera)

~ Curry, spaghetti Napolitan, ketchup rice, tomato soup, coffee and tea, fruit punch, panna cotta, oden stew, rice omelette (Parlour Shirobara, Ikeda)

~ Pacific saury (Ikeda)

~ American cookies (gift from Katsuo Sera)

~ Minoike mandarin oranges (gift from a neighbour)

~ Castella cake (gift from Toshiko)

~ Dewars Whiskey (gift from Katsuo Sera)

~ Secret ramen soup recipe: onions, shitake mushrooms, dried sardines simmered for two days

~ Karinto snacks (gift from Fukuko's mother)

~ Grandma Suzu's savoury egg pudding

~ Morokyu

~ Grandma Suzu's pork and potato stew

Mampei Tachibana's inventions/ business ideas / employment history

~ Image slide projector - (Tachibana Industries)

~ Root vegetable chopper - (Risō Kōsaku-sha)

~ Water purifiers 

~ Personal stamps

~ High quality salt manufacturing - (Tachibana Salt Company)

~ Daneihon sold to hospitals and regular people nationwide - (Tachibana Nutritional Foods)

An animal protein paste with nutritional and digestive properties that you can spread on bread and consume to prevent fat soluble vitamin deficiency and malnutrition).

The current formulation includes:

Beef bone marrow for protein, vitamin A, vitamin D

Canola oil and plums for vitamin E

Kelp for everything and to help it taste good

Sea salt for minerals

~ Sponsorship for their youngest employees who missed out on their basic high school education during the war and to encourage them to study in the evenings and graduate. 

Tachibana Nutritional Foods believes that if their employees are more educated, the quality of the company will improve. The company will raise up their employees and in return the employees will help the company grow.

~ Director 

At Ikeda Credit Union.

~ A multi-purpose kitchen tool - (Odajima Factory) 

Mampei and Shigeru Kanbe helped Kenzo Odajima (President of Odajima Factory) and his son Tadashi develop a device that allows regular kitchens to juice, blend and chop vegetables using just one small gadget.

~ Ramen that can be made at home

Mampei's dream new ramen must meet all of the following five criteria:

1. Taste good
2. Affordable
3. Convenient
4. Shelf stable (in the late 1950s, not many households owned a refrigerator)
5. Safe and healthy for pregnant women and kids

The broth has to be a flavour accepted by everyone and people won't get tired of: chicken meat and chicken bone broth with sesame oil, ginger, soy sauce, sweet rice wine and garlic. 

The basic noodles recipe:

500g flour

1 x egg (for nutrition)

Powdered eggs shells (for calcium)

Vitamins

Kneading water:

200g water

5g brine

8g salt

A touch of sesame oil

The noodles should be 1mm thick and 8 inches long.

Noodles are grouped into 180-200 strands for one portion.

Individual noodle portions are shaped into waves then steamed for seven minutes. Then dried in the shade to bring the water content down by 45%.

Soup essence is poured on top, then deep-fried in a metal cage (to regulate the size and shape) in lard and sesame oil at 160 degrees for two minutes.

Noodle blocks are cooled before packaging.

Instruction for consumers:

Hot water is poured over the block of noodles, wait three minutes and voila...instant ramen!

BANZAI !

Product name: Manpuku Ramen

First packaging design by Tadahiko:

Company name: Manpuku Shokuhin/Manpuku Foods

Price per packet: 20 yen

Released for sale: 25 August 1958

Second packaging design by Tadahiko:

Instigated by Professor Omiya, the National Institute of Nutrition conducted an analysis and concluded that the product contained the following:

Calcium

Phosphorus

Iron

Vitamins A, B1, B2

Niacin

They recommended it as a health food.

~ Noodles in a container

If it's in a cup, you can eat it outside of your home. For example, in a park, in a baseball stadium, even whilst walking.

Mampei wants to create a product that will affect Japanese people's lifestyle and food culture.

Manpuku Noodles' cup plays three roles:

1. It's a container that holds the noodles
2. Once you pour hot water in, it turns into a cooking device
3. When you eat it, it turns into a bowl

The container has to be light, sturdy, well-insulated and cost effective. The material decided upon: styrofoam. 

The soup essence of beef consomme with a touch of soy sauce is made into granulated form to sprinkle over the noodles.

The noodles need to be fatter, shorter and chewier to appeal to the Western market. The noodles will also be pre-seasoned.

The toppings will be colourful, Western-style and high-end. It has to be cutting edge in taste and appearance and be cooked in three minutes in the cup.

Toppings chosen: 

• Freeze-dried scallions
• Freeze-dried-scrambled eggs 
• Freeze-dried poovalan shrimp from the Indian Ocean
• Freeze-dried 'meat cubes' made using ground beef, soy protein and vegetable essence

These toppings are rehydrated with boiling water.

Aluminium sealed lid. Then the whole thing is shrink wrapped for extra security during transportation.

Cup packaging design: it has to be Western-style, new, and well-accepted internationally.

Tadahiko decided to give his apprentice, Junya Nagi, a chance to design the packaging for this product.

The trend of the nuclear family is increasing. As the trend progresses, Japan's food culture will be changed drastically. Many will start eating alone at random places instead of with their families. Our instant food is easy and safe to prepare for everyone in this new era.

Price of Manpuku Noodle: 100 yen.

===

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work" - (Thomas Edison).

 

つづく

* Information derived from the TV series Mampuku which the Domestic Goblin binge watched via Netflix in June/July 2026 *

* Images either derived online or from DGs own scene pauses *

Swimmming

Wear 

Swimmming costume underneath clothes
Contact lenses
Sunglasses

Bring

Padlock for locker
Body towel
Underwear

Moisturiser/sunscreen
Swim goggles and case

Swim cap 

Indoor sandals
Spare bag for wet items
Spare glasses and case

Swimsuit preferences 

One piece swimsuit

Built in bra with non-removable padding

Lined 

Classic back

Adjustable straps

Medium leg

Black or blue colour

Goggles preferences

Black with clear lenses for indoor use

Black with mirror lenses for outdoor use

Remember to

Book your swimming session

Finish eating at least one hour before leaving your home 

Have fun!

Wellington-on-Sea

Mr McNutt puts a positive spin on nearly everything

Ferries: it's like a boat that gives a car a piggy back.

Bridges: it's like roads that hover.

Miss Trapper

Sometimes it's helpful to be a terrifying old trout.

It's time to celebrate the wins and live with the losses.

* Information derived from 'That Christmas' aired by Netflix *

Morisaki Bookshop

Owned by uncle Satoru.

Located on Sakura Street in Jimbocho.

Containing approximately six thousand books.

Specialising in literature of the modern era.

Everything was diffused with the scent of the Showa era.

===

The dampness after a morning rain.

===

"My boat travels lightly, drifting aimlessly at the mercy of the current."

===

Don't be afraid to love someone. When you fall in love, I want you to fall in love all the way. Even if it ends in heartache, please don't live a lonely life without love. Love is wonderful. I don't want you to forget that. Those memories of people you love, they never disappear. They go on warming your heart as long as you live.

===

* Post inspired by 'Days at the Morisaki Bookshop' written by Satoshi Yagisawa *

Gasforth Police Station

Musings uttered by Inspector Fowler's uniformed squad and Detective Inspector Grim's CID team

Proverbial privet - (bush)

Decapitated feathered fowl - (headless chicken).

Bovine faeces - (bullshit).

You have the soul of an amoeba and the imagination of a pot noodle.

People of any culture and religion can respect the true meaning of Christmas.

What in 12 types of instant cake mix are we supposed to do with these.

I don't have time to discuss interior design, quiche recipes and Kylie Minogue hits with Constable Whoopsie.

Trotsky-eyed.

Debauched dimwits.

After years of gorging themselves on vast lunches at the licence payers expense, you can smell their beer-soaked, tobacco-raddled, meat and pudding flatulence at 100 yards.

Young people are like the last banana in the fruit bowl. Not all bad.

A woman likes to smell a man as nature intended: sweat, Guinness and pickled onions.

Do you mean 'coming out' as a Guardian reader would understand the term?

Football is just a socially-sanitised homo-erotic ritual.

Is there no trendy leftist theorem that you won't critically embrace?

Some American feminists think that sport was invented so that men could avoid confronting their sexuality.

Coconuts and custard.

Do you think that the gay sexual community would thank you for categorising their particular sexual preference as the act of a disgusting puerile drunken oaf?

Not being good at things is what the British are good at. We excel in failure.

Gasforth, it's not as bad as you think.

In recognition of our multilingual society, the modern force boasts officers trained in any number of languages but not I fear, complete idiot.

Goodness, between you, you must have made an imbecile. 

Heavens and Horlicks.

Leftist hectoring.

Smarty pants gets no thanks. Clever clogs get scragged in the bogs.

What's the difference between Inspector Fowler and the canteen cabbage? The cabbage once had a bit of life in it!

What's the difference between the manager of Barclays having a fight and Inspector Fowler having a conversation? Ones a warring banker, the other one is a boring wanker.

* Information derived from 'The Thin Blue Line' *

Spice Prom

The Kings and Queens of the Hot Ones, according to the Domestic Goblin

John Boyega
David Blaine

Jimmy Fallon

Bill Murray

Adam Brody

Neil deGrasse Tyson

Conan O'Brien

Louis Theroux

Zayn Malik
David Beckham

Macaulay Culkin

Kristen Bell
Courtney Cox

Jenna Ortega

Florence Pugh

Padma Lakshmi

Charlize Theron
Ali Wong

Lady Gaga

Emily Blunt

Mrs White's Knowledge of Art & Antiques

Ruby ring

It's an eight carat Burmese cushion-cut ruby (12mm x 14mm) set in 18-karat yellow gold with surrounding diamonds with additional diamonds set in a platinum band.

Value circa £75,000.

It could be a Burmese pigeon's blood ruby. Very, very rare due to the diminishing mines they come from. Worth between £8 million - £12 million.

Jean sold it for £350,000.

Auntie Flo's wedding present for Dom Hayes

A Pantin salamander paperweight. The lamp work is so exquisite that it looks like the salamander is real. Could be worth thousands.

Eleanor's walking stick topper

24 karat gold. Ellie in her nightie. The Rolls-Royce Spirit of Ecstasy.  Inspired by actress Eleanor Thornton.

Mary's blue brooch on her turban

A sumptuous blue stone mined in the Santa Maria mines in Brazil in the 1950s.

Mary's Victorian mourning locket

You have a lock of hair of the deceased on one side and the family crest on the other. Made fashionable by Queen Victoria when Prince Albert died.

The painting stolen from Albert Gilbert's home

Hilma af Klint. The first abstract artist. She specialised in automatic drawing and believed you could attain divine wisdom through spiritual intuition. She used seances and worked with a group called 'The Five' channeling spirits and writing down their messages blindfolded.

Primordial Chaos Number 16

Joseph Wright of Derby

Bird in an Air Pump

The painting was of an experiment to see how long this poor bird could survive when he took his air slowly away.

The painting that Charlie Brodeur is in love with 

Jacqueline Marval.

Tin box that Jean bought at a vide grenier

Dutch chocolate company circa 1910. Art Revealed app: infrared technology which shows you what's underneath.

Sacred Heart

The remains of Pope Pius VI's heart.

Religious relics are priceless in spiritual value.

Georgian firing glasses

Not original. Lovely copies. Flange-footed and models on Semla, circa 18th century.

They are called firing glasses because when you take a drink and then slam it on the table, they make a gunshot sound.

Footstool purchased at a Didsbury car boot sale

Late 18th century. Worth £2,000.

Cake comb found on unidentified body

Victorian. Sterling silver.

Anna Dumonet's ring

A poison ring. Victorian.

Fabergé Lily of the Valley flower owned by Genevieve Harris

Made with rock crystal, nephrite, gold, pearls and rose diamonds.

Value: over 800,000 euros.

What Robert Coste was clutching 

Peacock pendant. 1930s. Mass produced.

Burmese sewing box

Circa 1880.

A chained book

Similar to ones found in the Bodleian Library in Oxford.

Playing cards as wedding present for David and George 

Originally made for a 17th century French witch, Le Voisin.

Peridot earrings

The ancient Egyptians believed that peridot stones would protect them from night terrors also known very well for their healing qualities.

Ozannes's Perfumery owned by Raffy and Raimund

1940s pressed glass perfume bottle.

Value: 500-1000 euros.

The painting Martin was pointing at

Queen Marie Antoinette of France and her two children walking in the park at Trianon aka The Doomed Queen by Adolf Ulrike Wertmuller (a very famous rococo artist).

Judith's hip flask

Ergo hip flask. Won the British Design Award in 1986. A present from Jeremy.

The Monti Bust

The Veiled Lady by Raffaele Monti.

Gold coin found by a marine biologist during a diving expedition

Charles II 22-carat gold guinea from 1677. Value: at least 2,500 euros.

Alec's knife from his fishing hut

Higonokami knife from the Kanekoma factory in Japan. Higo no Kami means Lord of Higo - an aristocratic title historically given to very powerful samurai.

Fencing sword

Epee de Combat. 

Circa 19th century. 

Solid silver.

Cufflinks

Real diamond. Platinum. Cartier.

One alone is worth between 10,000-15,000 euros.

Chocolate pot

French regency.

Theodolite

An instrument for measuring vertical and horizontal angles.

Chandelier at Brodeur & White Antiques

Austrian hand-cut crystal.

Worth 2000 euro.

Himalayan calendar 

A perpetual display bead calendar.

Very special pre-ordered book

First edition of Our Mutual Friend by Charles Dickens. Price: 6,700 euros. Paid in cash.

Poison pen letters addressed to Fayette Morreau

Written on goatskin parchment paper by Bernard Folle.

Antique cigarette case

Imperial, Russian. Britzen. Blue enamel. Worth 10,000 euros.

Watch worn by waiter

1950s Universal Geneve. Worth 10,000 euros.

Rosary beads

French mother of pearl rosary beads. 1800s.

Gifted to Father Thomas by his mother when he became a novice priest over 30 years ago.

A crate of brandy from 1814

Undaunted was the ship that conveyed Napoleon to his first exile on the Isle of Elba in 1814. This brandy is from that ship.

Worth at least 200,000 euros per bottle.

Puppet

Original guinol puppet from 1810. Possibly made by the puppeteer himself, Laurent Mourguet. He was a tooth puller and he made puppets to distract the patients from their pain. 

Armillary sphere

You see the movements of the constellations around the earth.

Shaving soap set

From the Civil War. Made from gutta-percha - a first type of plastic. Even contains the original soap.

Coins 

Very rare. Bronze one is Napoleon III, five centimes, 1857. Worth about 3000 euros. 

The gold one is Napoleon I, 1813. Worth about 5000 euros.

The stolen contents of Fifi Paige's house 

A bowl from the Qianlong Dynasty, 1745. Worth approx 50,000 euros.

A Louise Moillon painting.

Console table.

Axminster rugs circa 1760.

Louis Marjorelle chair, Art Nouveau, worth about 20,000 euros.

The third Grand Teddy Tearoom Painting by Édouard Vuillard. Worth between 200,000 - 300,000 euros.

The Oyster

Dogs water bowl

Wedgewood, owned by Jeremy and Judith.

Preserved truffles

Perigold black truffles worth 1,000 euros per kilo.

Hathor statue

The goddess of intoxication. Solid bronze.

Box of Victorian ethemera 

A box containing memento mori.

Judith's Sapphire necklace

To use as something borrowed for a wedding.

Athenian Red Figure

530 BC.

Blueprints

The original blueprints to Valletta, the capital of Malta, drawn up by Jean de Valette.

Valette crystal cross

A gift to Jean de Valette from Pope Pius V and the  inscription read: "The one who conquers 10,000".

Used as bait to lure out Colin.

Items on Antique Antics

Lithograph by Robert Hillingford.

Early 20th century. An image of Wellington at Waterloo.

Ink distribution is very smooth. Worth around 600 euros.

Brass vase.

1914. Dusseldorf. Trench art. Crafted out of an artillery shell during the first world war.

A rare Mary Cassat painting, worth £25,000.

Yeldons Chocolates

Crystal Caramels

Strawberry Supremes

Elaine's preferred beverage

The Antiques Antics presenter drinks only pure spring water from her Augarten china cup.

Bulgarian Umbrella 

Used for the murder of the Bulgarian dissident Georgi Markov on Waterloo Bridge in 1978. A tiny metal pellet on the tip of the unbrella contained a deadly amount of ricin.

Stiletto Knife

A pencil thin flick knife originally created in taly in the late middle ages to get through the chain mail armour of marauding knights.

Dove of Peace necklace

18th century Saint Epsrit dove. 

Valued at 3,500 - 4,000 euros.

The Polish Eagle from the Royal Casket

In 1800, the Polish princess Izabela Czartoryska created a royal casket and it contained 73 precious relics which represented the history of the Polish royal family. According to legend, she still The Eagle from Frederick II who was Kingston of Prussia at the time. In the second world war it was hidden from the Nazis in a palace out-building and was bricked up. Unfortunately a man who worked for the family betrayed them and the entire collection was plundered. None of the 73 items have ever been found.

The Mystery Set

Patented by Van Cleef & Arpels in 1933.

* Information derived from The Madame Blanc Mysteries *