Gasforth Police Station

Musings uttered by Inspector Fowler's uniformed squad and Detective Inspector Grim's CID team

Proverbial privet - (bush)

Decapitated feathered fowl - (headless chicken).

Bovine faeces - (bullshit).

You have the soul of an amoeba and the imagination of a pot noodle.

People of any culture and religion can respect the true meaning of Christmas.

What in 12 types of instant cake mix are we supposed to do with these.

I don't have time to discuss interior design, quiche recipes and Kylie Minogue hits with Constable Whoopsie.

Trotsky-eyed.

Debauched dimwits.

After years of gorging themselves on vast lunches at the licence payers expense, you can smell their beer-soaked, tobacco-raddled, meat and pudding flatulence at 100 yards.

Young people are like the last banana in the fruit bowl. Not all bad.

A woman likes to smell a man as nature intended: sweat, Guinness and pickled onions.

Do you mean 'coming out' as a Guardian reader would understand the term?

Football is just a socially-sanitised homo-erotic ritual.

Is there no trendy leftist theorem that you won't critically embrace?

Some American feminists think that sport was invented so that men could avoid confronting their sexuality.

Coconuts and custard.

Do you think that the gay sexual community would thank you for categorising their particular sexual preference as the act of a disgusting puerile drunken oaf?

Not being good at things is what the British are good at. We excel in failure.

Gasforth, it's not as bad as you think.

In recognition of our multilingual society, the modern force boasts officers trained in any number of languages but not I fear, complete idiot.

Goodness, between you, you must have made an imbecile. 

Heavens and Horlicks.

Leftist hectoring.

Smarty pants gets no thanks. Clever clogs get scragged in the bogs.

What's the difference between Inspector Fowler and the canteen cabbage? The cabbage once had a bit of life in it!

What's the difference between the manager of Barclays having a fight and Inspector Fowler having a conversation? Ones a warring banker, the other one is a boring wanker.

* Information derived from 'The Thin Blue Line' *