Gasforth Police Station

Musings uttered by Inspector Fowler's uniformed squad and Detective Inspector Grim's CID team

Proverbial privet - (bush)

Decapitated feathered fowl - (headless chicken).

Bovine faeces - (bullshit).

You have the soul of an amoeba and the imagination of a pot noodle.

People of any culture and religion can respect the true meaning of Christmas.

What in 12 types of instant cake mix are we supposed to do with these.

I don't have time to discuss interior design, quiche recipes and Kylie Minogue hits with Constable Whoopsie.

Trotsky-eyed.

Debauched dimwits.

After years of gorging themselves on vast lunches at the licence payers expense, you can smell their beer-soaked, tobacco-raddled, meat and pudding flatulence at 100 yards.

Young people are like the last banana in the fruit bowl. Not all bad.

A woman likes to smell a man as nature intended: sweat, Guinness and pickled onions.

Do you mean 'coming out' as a Guardian reader would understand the term?

Football is just a socially-sanitised homo-erotic ritual.

Is there no trendy leftist theorem that you won't critically embrace?

Some American feminists think that sport was invented so that men could avoid confronting their sexuality.

Coconuts and custard.

Do you think that the gay sexual community would thank you for categorising their particular sexual preference as the act of a disgusting puerile drunken oaf?

Not being good at things is what the British are good at. We excel in failure.

Gasforth, it's not as bad as you think.

In recognition of our multilingual society, the modern force boasts officers trained in any number of languages but not I fear, complete idiot.

Goodness, between you, you must have made an imbecile. 

Heavens and Horlicks.

Leftist hectoring.

Smarty pants gets no thanks. Clever clogs get scragged in the bogs.

What's the difference between Inspector Fowler and the canteen cabbage? The cabbage once had a bit of life in it!

What's the difference between the manager of Barclays having a fight and Inspector Fowler having a conversation? Ones a warring banker, the other one is a boring wanker.

* Information derived from 'The Thin Blue Line' *

St Mary Mead

~ Ginger wine with a splash of Scotch.

~ Damson gin.

~ Mary cooks dinner at the Vicarage:

• Bits and bobs and odds and sods and the meat rations been cut again-soup
• Fish and turnip stew, mostly turnip
• Apricot chutney

~ Golden Flowery First Flush Tippy Orange Pekoe tea.

~ Ripe Cherry or Congo Crimson?

~ Any chance of something moist in a glass?

~ Imperial Good Companion typewriter.

~ Blackcurrant cordial.

~ Mrs Grey's perfume: Eau de Nuit.

~ Mrs Grey: Ah that plain and forthright voice for which the Antipodes is so rightly reknowned.

~ Mushroom and sage soup served at Chimneys 

~ Little Ambrose: the prettiest village Miss Marple knows and with a much more impressive church than St Mary Mead.

~ Mrs Pritchard: You know I can't take pills without mayonnaise.

~ Margot Bence: Mrs Bantry, perhaps not so gleeful in the smile department.

~ Vincent Hogg describes his partner Lola Brewster as soothingly stupid.

~ Not quite the gentle fluffy old lady you look, are you?

~ Mulled wine before dinner? How exquisitely rural.

~ A pile of carp.

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Vera Wong's World-Famous Teahouse and Private Investigator (certified)

Tea blends served by Vera

~ Prunella vulgaris, dried watermelon peel, goji berries.

~ Luo han guo, premium birds nest, rock sugar.

~ Fragrant roasted barley, chrysanthemums, candied winter melon peel.

~ Osmanyhus buds, oolong.

~ Tieguanyin (Iron Goddess of Mercy).

 

~ Mung bean and pandan.

~ Longjing with gingko leaves.

~ Gaoshan oolong.

~ Jin xuan.

~ Qimen hongcha from Anhui Province in China.

~ Jujubes and goji berries.

~ Luo han guo and chrysanthemum.

~ Goji berries, dried orange peel and dried winter melon peel.

~ Butterfly pea flowers and lavender.

~ Huangshan maofeng.

~ Chrysanthemum with dates.

~ Poached pear with ginseng.

~ Candied winter melon peel with burnt rice.

~ Dried candied winter melon peel with goji berries and rose petals.

~ Chrysanthemum tea sweetened with rock sugar and dates.

~ Pu-erh.

~ Ginseng.

~ Rosebuds and Osmanthus.

~ Jujubes, goji berries and white fungus.

~ Roasted barley, goji berries and licorice.

Feast cooked by Vera

~ Black pepper beef (good for anemia).

~ Steamed cod with black fungus (good for constipation).

~ Spicy garlic tofu (to increase someone's yang/heat).

~ Rice wine chicken with glutinous rice (comfort food).

~ Stewed beef noodles.

~ Braised pork belly.

~ Garlic fried bok choy.

Vera cooks food for Officer Gray

~ Braised lions head meatballs.

~ Spicy sesame noodles.

~ Roast pepper chicken.

~ Garlic fried broccoli.

~ Tomato egg stir fry.

Vera made tang yuan

~ Glutinous rice balls in sweet and gingery broth.

~ Black sesame filling.

~ Sweet peanut paste filling.

Vera makes a beach picnic

~ Honey glazed barbecue beef slices sandwiched in mantou buns with carrot and scallion relish.

~ Crispy fried egg rolls stuffed with shrimp and tofu.

~ Steamed dim sum: shao mai, salted egg custard buns and lap cheong rolls.

~ Sliced watermelon and Korean pears.

Vera's Dinner Party

YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO:

An Evening with Vera Wong

World-Famous Tea Connoisseur 

Novice Sleuth

THEME:

All Shall Be Revealed 

DRESS CODE:

Black Tie

ENTERTAINMENT WILL BE PROVIDED.

This invitation is valid for one person only. Do not bring a plus one.

Vera cooks a weekly family dinner at Tilly and Selena's house

~ Mud baked chicken.

~ Braised pork belly.

~ Grilled carp with Szechuan chilli sauce.

~ Half a dozen side dishes.

Vera gives food to random people

~ Clay pot rice with Chinese sausage and mushrooms.

~ Crispy roasted pork belly.

~ Pork rib soup.

~ Crispy roast duck.

~ Pork bun.

Vera invites Qiang Wen to dinner

~ Spicy mouthwatering chicken.

~ Cold peanut noodles.

~ Braised beef shank.

~ Tea flavoured eggs.

~ Chinese barbecue pork.

Qiang Wen's Dumplings

~ Pork and chive.

~ Pork and shrimp.

~ Pork and crab.

~ Vegetarian.

Feast Vera cooks for an influencer party

~ Chinese barbeque pork.

~ Salt and pepper squid.

~ Black pepper...

~ Clay pot rice with Chinese sausage and chicken.

~ San Bei Ji - three cup chicken.

Winifred brings over some 'Korean' pastries 

~ Korean sausage roll.

~ Korean mochi bread.

~ Korean-French cheese and kimchee croissant.

Sleepover food

~ Chinese jiggly sponge cake.

~ Chinese Rice Krispy cakes (Rice Krispies but with sesame seeds added to the mix).

Oliver cooks for Millie 

~ Roast duck sandwiches.

~ Sweet and sour fish.

~ Scallion oil noodles.

~ Dessert: black sticky rice with coconut cream.

Tilly makes food for Vera

~ Beef noodle soup.

Vera Wong

Tea expert, Murder investigator, Entrepreneur

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* Information derived from 'Vera Wong's Unsolicited Advice for Murderers' and also 'Vera Wong's Guide to Snooping (on a Dead Man)' both  written by Jesse Sutanto *

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