Favourite Excerpts from Farmer Giles of Ham
Aegidius Ahenobarbus Julius Agricola de Hammo, otherwise known as Farmer Giles of Ham in the vulgar form, lived in the midmost parts of the Island of Britain. Famed for shooting a giant with a blunderbuss for trespassing.
According to Four Wise Clerks of Oxenford, a blunderbuss is a short gun with a large bore firing many balls or slugs, and capable of doing execution within a limited range without exact aim (now superseded in civilised countries by other firearms).
The royal court of the Middle Kingdom paid little heed to the doings of rustics in the provinces. However, a prompt an expulsion of a giant so injurious seemed worthy of note and of some courtesy:
On the feast of St Michael, the King sent a magnificent letter written by the court scribe in red upon white parchment, and expressed the royal approbation of:
Our loyal subject and well-beloved Egidius Ahenobarbus Julius Agricola de Hammo.
The letter was signed by the King:
Ego Augustus Bonifacius Ambrosius Aurelianus Antontus Pius et Magnificus,
dux, rex, tyrannus, et basileus Mediterranearum Parfium
and had a large red seal attached onto the document.
The testimonial was accompanied by a gift sent from the King: a belt and a long sword.
By the King's grace, Aegidius is now the owner of Caudimordax, the famous sword known in the vulgar form as Tailbiter. This sword had belonged to Bellomarius, the greatest of all the dragon-slayers of the realm and the maternal great-great-grandfather of the King. It is believed that the sword will not stay sheathed if a dragon is within five miles; and without doubt in a brave man's hands, no dragon can resist it.
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Once upon a time, the Middle Kingdom was famous for the daring of the King's knights and the killing of many stray dragons. It was the custom for Dragon's Tail to be served at the King's Christmas Feast and each year, a knight was chosen for the duty of hunting. He was supposed to set out on St Nicholas' Day and come home with a dragon's tail not later than the eve of the feast. But for many years now, dragons had given up raiding that area. Therefore, the Royal Cook had made a Mock Dragon's Tail of cake and almond-paste, with cunning scales of hard icing-sugar. The chosen knight then carried this into the hall on Christmas Eve and was eaten after dinner on Christmas Day.
One hard winter, there were rumours amongst the dragons that Knights were mythical. Chrysophylax Dives, a dragon of ancient and imperial lineage, was mortally hungry. About a week before Christmas, Chrysophylax spread his wings and took off. He landed quietly in the middle of the night plump in the heart of the midland realm of Augustus Bonifacius rex et basileus. He did a deal of damage in a short while, smashing and burning, and devouring sheep, cattle, and horses.
Vile Worm! You must bring back to this spot all your ill-gotten wealth; and after recompensing those whom you have injured we will share it fairly among ourselves. Then, if you make a solemn vow never to disturb our land again, nor to stir up any other monster to trouble us, we will let you depart with both your head and your tail to your own home. And now you shall take such strong oaths to return (with your ransom) as even the conscience of a worm must hold binding.
Chrysophylax swore that he would return with all his wealth on the feast of St Hilarius and St Felix.
We Augustus B.A.A.P and M. rex et cetera make known that we have determined, for the safety of our realm and for the keeping of our honour, the worm or dragon styling himself Chrysophylax the Rich shall be sought out and condignly punished for his misdemeanours, torts, felonies and foul perjury.
All the knights of our Royal Household are hereby commanded to arm and make ready to ride upon this quest, so soon as Master Aegidius A.J. Agricola shall arrive at this our court. In as much as the said Aegidius has proved himself a trusty man and well able to deal with giants, dragons, and other enemies of the King's peace, now therefore we command him to ride forth at once, and to join the company of our knights with all speed.
We meet by good luck and the pleasure is mine.
If you will leave me what remains, I'll be your friend for ever. And I will carry all this treasure back to your honour's own house and not to the King's. And I will help you to keep it, what is more.
Finding's keeping, and keeping's having. But what are all these knights and men for, by any chance? If you've come on a visit, you'd be welcome with fewer. If you want to take me
away, you'll need a lot more.
The Battle of the Bridge of Ham - St Matthias' Day.
Chrysophylax remained long in Ham, much to the profit of Giles; for the man who has a tame dragon is naturally respected.
A strong law issued against unpleasant prophecy, and made milling a royal monopoly.
Aula Draconaria / Worminghall: the spot where Giles and Chrysophylax first made acquaintance.
Chrysophylax begged often for his liberty and after many years, when Giles felt himself securely established, he let the poor worm go back home. They parted with many expressions of mutual esteem, and a pact of non-aggression upon either side.
Farmer Giles of Ham:
Good Aegidius, Bold Ahenobarbus, Great Julius, Staunch Agricola, Pride of Ham,
Hero of the Countryside, Darling of the Land!
Dominus de Domito Serpente, (Lord of the Tame Worm / Lord of Tame).
Earl of Tame.
Prince Julius Aegidius.
King of the Little Kingdom, (Aegidius Draconarius / Old Giles Worming).
Caudimordax, the Tailbiter:
The Sword that would not be Sheathed, Death or Victory, The Glory of the Yeomanry, Backbone of the Country and the Good of one's Fellow Men!
Finis, or in the vulgar, THE END
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