Are My Eggs Fluffy?

Jokes told by Max Rosenthal:

Season One

Saigon: 

There was a woman that said she was here from the Orient. And she's Jewish and they call her an Orienta.

Tel Aviv: 

Did I tell you the story of the Western Wall? This guard was seeing this man, he comes every day to pray, and he walks over to him and he said:

"Mister I see you every day, what are you praying for?" 

"I pray for health, I pray for karnosa (that means I want to make a lot of money) and I pray for peace."

He said, "That's great, does it help?"

He said, "It's like talking to a wall."

New Orleans: 

Everybody's getting married all of a sudden [...] it's a good institution but who wants to live in an institution?

Season Two

Venice: 

Have you heard about the street walker in Venice? She drowned.

Season Three

Chicago: 

My jokes are old jokes. I don't change jokes, I change friends. Whilst imitating a dial phone: "Hello, Dr Schwartz? This is Mrs Shapiro, I was there this morning for my check up? Could you look around and see if my panties are hiding some place? I left my panties at your place, take a look please. Oh, you didn't find it? I must have left them by the dentist."

Seoul: 

Mr Cohen goes to the doctor and he says:

"I feel very weak and helpless. There's no energy, there's no sex life. It's terrible, what shall I do?"

The doctor says: 

"Do you exercise, do you walk a little? Ibtell you what you do, you start walking every day for a block, two blocks. Before you know it, you're walking a quarter of a mile, half a mile. Call me back in about four months or five months and let me know how things go."

So he calls him back. 

"Hi, Mr Cohen how are you? Are you walking?"

"Oh boy, am I walking. It's really great."

"And has your sex life improved?"

"I don't know, I'm 30 miles from home."

Season Four

Rio de Janeiro: 

The beach joke - this mother with her child, they're playing on the beach. All of a sudden a big wave came and swept the child off the beach. The mother got hysterical, she was praying to God. She says: "God, please. It's my only son! I'll pray every day, please get him back to me."

A few minutes later, the wave came and the kid comes back. The mother was so happy.

"Thank you God. Thank you so much. Whatever I promised, I'll keep. By the way, one more thing, he had a hat!"

San Francisco: 

An old man was in a cab and there was a big accident and he was thrown out of the cab and he landed on the sidewalk. Some good Samaritan came over and took off his jacket, put it under his head and said to him: 

"Are you comfortable?"

He said: "Eh, I make a living."

Singapore: 

I think Bruce Springsteen went there and they named the city after him. Sing-a-poor. A poor singer.

Mr and Mrs Goldberg went to the doctor. Mrs Goldberg said, "Would you examine my husband?"

The doctor examines the husband and says: 

"Your husband has a problem with sex. He says "the first time, it's good but the second time, I start perspiring and I sweat and I am completely soaked after the ordeal." 

The doctor said, "Could you explain it to me?"

She said, "Yes, the first time is in November and the second time is July."

The Mississippi Delta:

Max uses the word 'cultivate' in a sentence: Yesterday I was waiting for a bus but it was too cultivate so I took the subway.

Max uses the word 'escort' in a sentence: I had to jump over the fence but I didn't make it and got my escort.

Hawaii:

There were two couples. The men sit in the living room. The two women sit in the kitchen. They're talking. 

Harry said to John: "John, we went to this restaurant today and the food was delicious."

J: "Yeah? What was the name of the restaurant?"

H: "The name of the restaurant? I forgot already."

J: "You were just there this afternoon, how can you forget the restaurant?"

H: "Wait, wait. What's that flower called? It's red, it smells good and it has thorns on it."

J: "You mean a rose?"

H: Yeah! That's it! Hey Rose, what was the name of the restaurant?"

Season Five

Oaxaca:

A joke for grandpa Max by Ben Rosenthal.

There's a guy named David and he's in a bit of a financial pickle and he doesn't know what to do. So he goes to the temple and he prays, and he says "God, please, if I could just win the lottery that would fix everything."

And so he goes home and he turns in the TV to see the winning numbers and it goes and he doesn't win and he doesn't know what happened. He goes back to the temple and he says "God, I told you I really needed this. This would have fixed everything. What did I do wrong?"

And then the skies open, God comes down and he speaks to David and he says "David, please, meet me halfway. You gotta buy a lottery ticket!"

Maine:

A joke for Max by Judy Gold.

A German guy, a Frenchman and a Jew get lost in the desert. They're stuck in the desert for days. Finally the Red Cross finds them and picks them up.

The German guy says "Ugh, I am so tired and I'm so thirsty, I need a beer."

The Frenchman says " Ugh, I am so tired and I am so thirsty, I need some wine!"

And the Jew says "Ugh, I'm so tired and I'm so thirsty, I have diabetes!"

Helsinki:

A joke for Max by Brad Garrett.

These three Jewish women are sitting on a bench in a park and they're all talking about how they have the best son. 

The first Jewish lady says "My son is the best! I get flowers on every Sabbath!"

The second lady says "Well I have to tell you, my son is the best because he calls me three times a week."

The third Jewish mother says "Well I have to tell you, my son is the best. He goes to therapy five days a week and all he talks about is me!"

Portland:

A joke for Max by Paul Reiser.

An older gentleman has a heart attack and goes into the hospital. He is there for a re weeks. He's fully recuperated. He gets home and he can't be more than thrilled to be home. He sees his beautiful wife and he's been feeling a little lonely. He looks at his wife amourously and gives her a little raised eyebrow. She stopped him, she goes "Don't even think about it. We're not gonna do anything like that. You're sick. You're a sick person. You just got out of the hospital."

He says "I'm fine. I can do -

She says "Get me a note from your doctor and then we will talk."

He goes back to the doctor and explains the situation.

Doctor says "I'll be happy to help." He takes out a piece of paper and pen and he writes "Dear Mrs Levine, as your husband's primary physician I can assure you he is fully recuperated. His heart is in great shape. He can pursue any physical activities or affairs of the heart, he should do choose. Not only that, but with the new medication that we have him on, he has the strength, the stamina and the vigour of a man half his age. How's that?"

The guy says "Doc, do me a favour. Cross out where it says 'Mrs Levine' and put in 'To whom it may concern.'

Madrid:

A joke for Max by Larry Gilmore.

A guy is playing golf with his wife on this really rustic course, it's just beautiful. Rolling hills, green grass, very pastoral, that type of thing. At one of the holes, he hits the ball to the right of this barn, an old rustic barn. He and his wife go over there and he sees the ball and goes "Know what honey? I'm just gonna lick the ball up, drop it on the other side of the barn, well take a one stroke penalty."

She goes "Honey, what if you just open the barn doors and just hit the ball through? You're a good golfer, you could do that and not take a penalty stroke."

He goes "Hmm, that's a pretty good idea. So he lines the ball up, opens the door, lines the ball up, hits the ball. Unfortunately, he mishits a little bit, ricochets off one wall, ricochets off another wall, hits an old tractor, hits his wife in the head, knocks he out, she's dead.

One year later, he's playing on the exact same course with a friend of his now. Haven't played in a whole year. He's actually starting to enjoy himself again, he's having fun. Then he comes to that same hole and he hits the ball almost in the exact same position. He runs over there, his friend is with him. He just says "You know what, I'm just gonna pick the ball up, take an unplayable lie and drop it on the other side."

His friend says "Hey, why don't you just open the barn doors, hit it right through there. You're a good golfer, you don't have to take the penalty."

He goes "No, I did that last year, I made it six on this hole."

Season Six

Philadelphia:

A joke for Max by Raymond Romano.

Mr Greenberg wakes up in the emergency room and the doctor tells him "Mr Greenberg, you had a car accident. The good news is, you're fine. The bad news is, w wouldn't save your 'privates'. But, ther eis some more good news, we can reconstruct. We understand you are going to receive $9000 from the insurance company which will come in handy cos it's $1000 an inch to reconstruct. You may want to spend the whole nine, that's probably a conversation you should have with your wife, maybe. There's no rush. On the other hand you may want to spend $4000 or $5000, that's another conversation. Go home, talk it over. Come back when you're ready. He leaves and a week later, he comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says "Mr Greenberg good to see you. Did you talk it over with your wife?"

He says "I did."

The doctor says "And what did you decide?"

He says "We're getting granite countertops."

Croatia:

A joke for Max by Gilbert Gottfried.

A little comes home from school and he says "Mom! Mom! I got a part in a school play!"

The mother says "What part do you play?"

He says "I play a Jewish husband."

And the mother says: "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking role!"

Austin:

A joke for Max by Paul Reubens.

How do you keep a bagel from getting away? You put lox on it!

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar together. 

"Get out of here!" shouts the bartender.

"We don't serve your type."

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a whiskey and.........cola."

"Why the big pause?" said the bartender.

"I was born with those."

Santiago:

A joke for Max by Pam Adlon.

The waiter comes over to a table of Jewish mothers and he says "Just checking on you ladies, is ANYthing all right?"

Nashville:

A joke for Max by Kevin Nealon.

This guy was walking down the strip at Las Vegas and another man approached him who looked quite desperate and frenetic. 

He says "Excuse me sir, please can I borrow some money? My wife has to get into hospital for emegenecy surgery and I don't have enough to get her in there. Would you please help me, I'm desperate."

He said "You know, I would, but how do I know if I give you that money, youre just gonna spend it on gambling?"

The guy looks at him and says "Oh, I got gambling money."

"I'm listening to the opera" - (Helen Rosenthal).