Carnegie's Methods

Excerpts from the book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'

Don't criticise, condemn or complain

Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain - and
most fools do.

But it takes character and self-control to be under-standing and forgiving.

A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.

Give honest, sincere appreciation

There is only one way to get anybody to do anything and that is by making the other person want to do it. 

How? By giving people what they want.

Some of the things most people want include:

1. Health and the preservation of life

2. Food

3. Sleep

4. Money and the things money will buy.

5. Life in the hereafter.

6. Sexual gratification.

7. The well-being of our children.

8. A feeling of importance.

The power of appreciation. The nourishment of our self-esteem.

Appreciation is different from flattery. Flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. 

The difference between appreciation and flattery?

Flattery is - cheap praise. Flattery is telling the other person precisely what they think about themselves.

Figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. 

Arouse in the other person an eager want

Bait the hook to suit the fish. 

Look at the other person's point of view.

How can I make this person want to do it?

Become genuinely interested in other people

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you

can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow

men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all humun failures spring.

Smile

A man without a smiling face must not open a

shop.

Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your

smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.

The value of a smile:

It costs nothing, but creates much.

It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.

It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.

None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.

It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends.

It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble.

Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.

And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours?

For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!

Remember a person's name

If you didn’t hear someone's name distinctly, ask them to repeat. If someone has an unusual name, ask them how it is spelled.

Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves

In order to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments

Give exclusive attention to the person talking to you.

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things they treasured most.

Make the other person feel important and

do it sincerely

Radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return.

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.

Avoid arguments

Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of

the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.

A man convinced against his will

Is of the same opinion still.

Show respect for the other person's opinions

Men must be taught as if you taught them not

And things unknown proposed as things forgot.

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only

help him to find it within himself.

Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.

One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.

Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.

If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.

Begin in a friendly way

It is an old and true maxim that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall. So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.

The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.

The Socratic method

When talking to people, don’t begin by discussing the

things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing the things on which you agree.

Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one ofmethod and not of purpose.

The 'Socratic method' was based upon getting a 'yes, yes' response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an

armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.

Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs

Make suggestions and let the other person think out the conclusion.

Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.

Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are

hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them,

and they will love you.

Throw down a challenge 

The way to get things done, is to stimulate

competition.

That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. 

The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.