Could I Have a Veal Cutlet?

Season Seven

Mumbai

A joke for Max by Judy Gold:

So these two elderly men, they're very close friends. Right before the pandemic, one of the men becomes a widower and they don't see each other for a couple of years. Then they meet up for lunch.

One man says to the other: How are you doing? How was the pandemic? I'm so sorry you didn't have your wife with you.

And he said: You know, I'm doing really, really well.

He said: Are you seeing anyone?

And he said: Actually, I'm seeing twins.

Twins? How can you tell them apart?

Well, Nicole has this beautiful tattoo of a red rose on her lower back...and Rob has a cock!

Washington D. C.

A joke for Max by Norman Lear (aged 101):

I walked into my bedroom and my wife is there. I tried to dress up as sexy as I could and I said: We're going to have some super sex!

She says: Well, I'll have the soup.

Kyoto

A joke for Max by Fran Drescher:

God tells Adam: I have a gift for you. The gift of woman. She is gonna do everything you say. She is going to agree with everything you say  she is gonna always want to have sex with you and she is gonna cook and clean all the time.

Adam says: How much will a gift like this cost me?

God said: An arm and a leg.

Adam thought: Well, what would a rib get me?

Iceland

A joke for Max by Tom Papa:

A woman walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: I'd like a poison that'll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.

The pharmacist says: Ma'am, I'm gonna have to call the police and report you.

The woman removes something from her pocket and she slips it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist opens it, looks at it and discovers that it's a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist folds it up, leans into the woman and says: Oh you should have told me you had a prescription.

Dubai

A joke for Max by Ted Danson:

This older couple go to their friends home for dinner. There's a gentleman there and his wife goes to talk to the women and he talks to his.older gentlemen friends. 

They look at him and they say: You look fabulous. You seem really sharp.

And he says: I am. I have been taking this medication for memory and it's working miracles.

And one of the guys says: Boy, I could use that. What's the name of it?

And he says: It's uh... It smells beautiful. It's a flower, it's a stalk that has thorns on it.

A guy says: Rose?

He says: Yeah, rose. Rose! What's the name of that medication I'm on?

Orlando 

A joke for Max by Pete Holmes:

There are these two hunters in the woods and they come upon this huge hole in the ground. They pick up this big rock that's nearby and throw it in the hole.

They listen and ten seconds later - bam! They finally hear it hit the ground. All of a sudden hauling so fast - boom! A goat comes running between them and knocks them apart and jumps in the hole. Goat falls in the hole.

They're like, what? What was that? Ten seconds later, a farmer comes up and goes: Have you guys seen my goat?

And they go: I don't know, what did he look like?

The farmers like: He's got to be around here somewhere, I tied him to a big rock.

Taipei

Two jokes for Max by Kevin McGahern:

~ First joke: One night old Mrs McMillan answers the door and it's her husband's colleague, Paddy. Paddy's got his cap in his hand. He looks morose.

She's like: Paddy, what's going on? I haven't seen you since this morning since you and my husband went off to work in the Guinness factory.

He said: I've got some terrible news. I'm afraid your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and died.

Poor Mrs McMillan is so distraught, tears rolling down her face.

She's like: Oh my God, this is awful. I mean, did he at least go quickly?

And the guy says: Not really. He got out three times to pee.

~ Second joke: Paddy Irishman goes to the zoo. 

The zookeeper says: I don't know, I'm pretty worried. Our gorilla is in heat. I need someone to sort of relieve the gorilla. Would you know of anyone who would have sex with this gorilla for 500 Euros?

And the Irishman thinks: Alright, I'll do it, but I got three conditions:

1) No kissing

2) None of my family can ever find out about this

3) Give me a couple of days to come up with the money.

Scotland

A joke for Max by Paula Poundstone:

A guy calls alaw firm, the law firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.

A person answers the phone and he says: Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.

The guy says: Can I speak with Mr Schwartz please?

The guy says: Sorry, he's at lunch.

And he goes: Then could I speak with Mr Schwartz?

And he goes: Uh...he's in a meeting right now, I am sorry.

And the guy goes: Well is it possible I could speak with Mr Schwartz?

And he says: You know what? He's out sick today. I can leave a message.

The guy goes: No,that's okay. Could I speak with Mr Schwartz?

And he goes: Speaking.

* Information taken from Season Seven of Somebody Feed Phil *