How to Recognise a Witch...

...according to a Norwegian grandmama / retired witchophile

1) a REAL WITCH is certain always to be wearing gloves when you meet her even in the summer, even in the house and only take them off when they go to bed. This is because she doesn't have fingernails; she has thin curvy claws like a cat and she wears the gloves to hide them.

2) a REAL WITCH is always bald as a boiled egg and wears a first-class wig made from ordinary hair to hide her baldness. Look out for wig rash.

3) a REAL WITCH  has the most amazing powers of smell and have slightly larger nose-holes than ordinary people. The rim of each nose is pink and curvy, like the rim of a certain kind of seashell. The cleaner you happen to be, the more smelly you are to a witch. An absolutely clean child gives off the most ghastly stench to a witch. The dirtier you are, the less you smell. Grown-ups don't give out stink waves, only children do that.

4) a REAL WITCH's eyes are different from ordinary people. Their pupils will keep changing colour; you will see fire and you will see ice dancing right in the centre.

5) a REAL WITCH never has toes on their feet; the feet have square ends and witches hide their ugly feet by wearing small pointed shoes.

6) a REAL WITCH has blue spit; blue as a bilberry. If you looked very carefully, you would probably see a slight blueish tinge her teeth.

If she has all these things, run like mad!

* Information derived from The Witches written by Roald Dahl *

Giant Country

How human beans taste according to the Big Friendly Giant aka the Royal Dream Blower:

~ Turks from Turkey taste of turkey

~ Greeks from Greece taste greasy

~ Human beans from Panama taste of hats

~ Human beans from Wales taste of fish

~ Human beans from Jersey taste of cardigans

~ Danes from Denmark taste of Labrador

~ People of Labrador taste of Great Danes

~ Human beans in Wellington taste of boots

~ The English taste of crodscollop 

~ An Eskimo is like a lovely ice-cream lolly 

~ A Hottentot warms up a cold giant

~ Human beans from Chile are very chilly

~ English school children taste of inky books

~ Swedes from Sweden taste of sweet and sour

The Other Nine Giants

1. Bloodbottler
2. Fleshlumpeater
3. Manhugger
4. Bonecruncher
5. Childchewer
6. Meatdripper
7. Gizzardgulper
8. Maidmasher
9. Butcher Boy

* Information derived from The BFG written by Roald Dahl *

Hilarious End of Term School Reports...

 ...for the stinking revolting off-spring of doting parents:

"Your son Maximillian is a total wash-out. I hope you have a family business you can push him into when he leaves school because he sure as heck won't get a job anywhere else"

"It is a curious truth that grasshoppers have their hearing-organs in the sides of the abdomen. Your daughter, Vanessa, judging by what she's learnt this term, has no hearing-organs at all."

"The periodical cicada spends six years as a grub underground, and not more than six days as a free creature of sunlight and air. Your son Wilfred has spent six years as a grub in this school and we are still waiting for him to emerge from the chrysalis."

"Fiona has the same glacial beauty as an iceberg, but unlike the iceberg she has absolutely nothing below the surface."

* Information derived from 'Matilda' written by Roald Dahl *