Pobody's Nerfect

Chef Patricia from Good Plates recreates each person's favourite meal on earth

Chidi: His grandmother's maafe. Fresh perch slow-roasted in a peanut sauce.

Jianyu: Tofu (Jason Mendoza's actual favourite food is buffalo wings at Stupid Nick's Wing Dump in Gainesville).

Eleanor: The hunger strike to protest Bolivian sex trafficking.

Glenn: Chicken soup.

Dessert: Patricia's stunning three-tiered cake that took a whole week to complete.    

Michael's theory on frozen yoghurt: 

There’s something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it

What Eleanor thinks Architects do during retirement: 

Smoke moonbeam cigars on an angel boat.

Tahani's buffet of retirement-themed desserts for Michael

~ Retire-mint chocolate cake

~ Flan-voyage

#TahaniTime

The human things that Michael wanted to do:

~ Get his hair wet

~ Pull a hamstring

~ Learn the difference between toward and towards

~ Walk down the hallway and someone else walks towards you and you both lean to one side and then the other and chuckle over your shared foible

~ Get a rewards card, any rewards card

~ Talk briefly to someone and then say: Take it sleazy!

~ Eat a saltine

Michael's Litmus Test to see whether Eleanor is fundamentally good or bad

1) Did you ever commit a serious crime such as murder, sexual harassment, arson or otherwise?

2) Did you ever have a vanity licence plate like 'Mama's BMW', 'Lexus for Liz' or 'Boob Guy'?

3) Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?

4) Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band The Red Hot Chili Peppers?

5) Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?

6) Did you ever appear on the American television programme 'The Bachelor' or the companion shows 'The Bachelorette' and 'Bachelor in Paradise', or post on any social media site that you were emotionally invested in any of the relationships the contestants were pursuing?

Michael's interpretation of Jianyu pricking his finger on a cactus

A cactus on its own intends no harm. It's only when we interfere that it becomes dangerous.

Churro dogs

A hot dog with two churros as the bun and tied together with a Slim Jim. An Arizona delicacy.

I wasn't a failed DJ

I was pre-successful.

How Eleanor used to spend her weekends on earth

Sitting alone in her house watching wedding fails on YouTube drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until she passed out on top of her vibrator.

Why Eleanor thinks clam chowder is disgusting

~ It's basically a savoury latte with bugs in it

~ It's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons

What happens when demons are 'retired'

Their essence would be scooped out of their body with a flaming ladle and every molecule of their body would be placed on the surface of a different sun.

Sexy things according to Jason 

~ Lamborghinis

~ Cool snakes

~ Spinning rims

~ 20,000 followers on Instagram 

~ Girls with pigtails eating lollipops

~ Latex pants

~ Carl's Jr ads 

~ Sex

What Tahani thinks Hell is

Being forced to wear a knock off hand bags and drink tap water.

Michael's Opposite Tortures / presents to make everyone happy 

~ Tahani: a big piece of diamond (carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way - worthless space garbage - basically meteorite poop).

~ Eleanor: a never-ending shrimp dispensary.

~ Jason: a Pikachu mylar balloon.

~ Chidi: a replica of a lost notebook from the desk of Immanuel Kant.

The opposite of A Leap of Faith

A Sit of Doubting.

Michael's childhood pet

Korzoff the ten-headed dog spider.

What the gang thinks their new home in the Good Place would be like

Eleanor: Hawaiian beach, unlimited Mai Tais and a phone.

Tahani: Everyone to still be together living in separate houses with large lawns and a tasteful moat.

Jason: Doesn't care where he lives as long as there's frozen yoghurt.

Chidi: An unlimited library that's airconditioned; engaging in rigorous debate with his philosopher heroes; and soulmates are real.

Human starter kit for honourary humans

~ Car keys

~ Band-Aids

~ Stress ball with a dumb corporate logo

~ Dr Oz diet book

What the gang thinks the Bad Place is going to be for them

Jason: Going to a Skrillex concert and waiting for the bass to drop and it never comes.

Eleanor: To always be camping.

Chidi: Thinks he is good at turning every place he goes to into his own personal hell.

Tahani: An eternity in the Swiss Alps in the autumn, off-season.

Aliases the gang adopts in order to enter the Bad Place undetected

Eleanor: Diana Tremaine. Address: 123 Whatever Street, Canada City, Canada.

Tahani: Rhonda Mumps. Works down at the hot dog factory.

Jason: Jake Jortles. Works in the Molotov Cocktail Department.

Chidi: Mistaken for Trent who left Partial Decapitations 800 years ago.

Judge eats a Burrito

The concept of envy tastes really good on Mexican food. It gives it a little kick.

Jeff The Doorman who guards the door to Earth

Prefers hazelnut decaff antimatter.

Loves frogs.

Michael is authorised to travel to earth to reverse the deaths of Eleanor, Chidi, Jason and Tahani

He gets excited by the prospect of taking a bus and sitting in a front facing sear or maybe a sideways facing seat and getting motion sickness.

Earth was incredible - everything he ever imagined. The traffic, the pigeons and a place that was both a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell at once.

He got to ride a bike; put a coin in a thing and get a gumball - but didn't think to chew it (missed opportunity).

Hot enough for ya? Tell me about it!

International Sophisticate Magazine asks Tahani 582 questions

Where are we exactly?

My pied a terre, just off the coast of Barcelona.

What's one thing people don't know about you?

That I was such a tomboy in high school.

Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone?

"It's not about who you know. Enlightenment comes from within." The Dalai Lama texted me that.

Chidi's linguistic skills

French (native language of Senegal)

English (went to an American school)

Also learnt German, Greek and Latin (in case it ever comes back).

Eleanor's linguistic skills

She once got 12 out of 12 on a BuzzFeed quiz called 'Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?

Eleanor's greatest accomplishment

Breaking into Charles Barkley's house. 

He was on the road. She snuck in through the doggie door and tried on all his giant shoes. 

One of her top five Christmases.

Chidi's new thesis idea

He will explore the effect of near-death experiences on ethical decision-making.

Tahani decides to change her life after her near-death experience

~ Cleansed herself of all worldly possessions that had been weighing her down like anchors.

~ Deleted all celebrity contacts from her mobile.

~ Put physical distance between herself and her old life by flying Comfort Plus to Tibet to live in a Buddhist monastery. Pursuing a life of tranquility and shedding her desire for attention - to get out of the spotlight. 

"Shedding Your Need For Validation From Others".

Jason's accomplishments

~ Did a wheelie on a dirt bike through an entire Waffle House.

~ Was once interviewed on the news for finding a foot on the beach.

By meddling in human affairs, that ripples out 

~ England left Europe.

~ The Hugh Jackman musical about P. T. Barnum made $400 million.

~ The Jacksonville Jaguars are good now. They're gonna make the playoffs.

~ Blake Bottles is kinda okay and being debated amongst the experts.

~ Byron Allen owns the Weather Channel now.

Eleanor's main skills

~ Really good at telemarketing.

~ Can usually guess how long to microwave food without looking at the box.

Timeline in the afterlife 

Doubles back and loops around and ends up looking like 'Jeremy Bearimy' written in cursive English.

Kamilah's art exhibit in Budapest, Hungary

Kamilah making omelets as a commentary on the worlds fascination with subservience, consumption, death and pedegogy.

"As a frog stares up in awe at the treetops, so too does humanity gawk at the purity of a blinding truth."

Chidi's name

Chidi is an Igbo word that means 'God exists'.

The Accounting Team in the Neutral Zone

~ Neil: Head Accountant

~ Walter: Borrowing (Money) Department

~ Milton: Impressions (Borat) Department

~ Clementine: Songs with Specific Dance Instructions Department

~ Anastasia: Stuffed Vegetable Department

~ Hector: American Coins Department

~ Matt: Weird Sex Things Department 

Each department examines: the action taken by a human; it's use of resources; the intentions behind it; it's effects of others and you end up with an Action Number.

Example moral worth

Deciding to have a destination wedding:  -1200 points.

Deciding to have a destination theme wedding: -4300 points.

The theme is Lord of the Rings: they are basically doomed.

The real Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest

Eleanor: Typhoon Falls (her favourite water park when she was a kid). Chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones.

Chidi: Warm pretzels or absolute truth.

Jason: Blakes Bortles holding the Super Bowl MVP trophy and also, weed.

Tahani: A curtain closing between first class and economy. 

Spa day at Posh Wash 

Fresh water from Oprah's estate in Maui with mushrooms from her private bog in the Pyrenees Mountain. 

Demons can't die

They will slowly reform themselves over a few months passing through all the stages of demon growth: larva, slug monster, spooky little girl, teenage boy, giant ball of tongues, social media CEO and then finally, demon.

IHOP

The Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes. The most dangerous place in the universe according to Michael. The crossroads of all dimensions. Like Grand Central Station but for space and time.

The 'whatever spoon'

Is really only used for certain festive jellies.

Six Feet Under Par: A Chip Driver Mystery written by Brent Norwalk

Half spy novel, half murder mystery.

Half submarine adventure, half erotic memoir, and half political thriller.

Half golf tutorial and half commentary on society.

Chip Driver's love interest, Scarlett Pakistan: 

~ Her brown eyes were as brown as the brownest crayon

~ She had legs like Jessica Rabbit from that movie

~ Her long flowing locks smelled like the moon at twilight on a par four

~ She has an accent like the Queen of England but without any of the old gross face parts

The Purple Train to Groovy City 

Here's a trippy little ditty,

'bout a train to Groovy City.

Open up your freaky crystal mind,

and we'll have a cosmic good time.

The opposite of a box of doughnuts

A toilet full of broccoli.

First stage of grief in Jacksonville

Graffitiing a red lobster about you.

Arizona funerals

You can have either a regular funeral or they can put your body out on a shooting range and you get a $200 state tax credit.

Celebrating the afterlife of Tahani Al Jamil

Venue: In the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet.

Jacksonville funeral traditions

Having your funeral where you were born.

What Janet learnt from the others

Tahani taught Janet that you can make a family even if you never really had one.

Jason taught Janet that they have value beyond what they do for other people.

When all hope was lost on earth, Janet watched Eleanor have hope anyway. Just thinking about that makes Janet want to barf up a elbeaitiful quasar.

Celebrating the afterlife of Eleanor Shellstrop

Venue: A place where she spent much of her life - a bar in a house she was not invited to.

Chidi's dream items

A fridge that decides what you have for breakfast, for example, oatmeal with almond milk.

A magic blackboard that anticipates your lesson flow.

Chidi's note

There is no "answer". But Eleanor is the answer.

Items Chidi needs to work out how to save humanity 

~ A chalkboard

~ A copy of Judith Shklar's Ordinary Vices

~ Warm pretzels

Shakespeare writing plays in the Good Place

The Tempest 2: Here We Blow Again.

Mindy St Claire

~ Lone wolf

~ Totally independent

~ Knows what she wants: cocaine and self pleasure

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Diamond lamps and golden pillowcases.

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* Quotes taken from The Good Place *